Wanderings of a Gnomeish Storyteller...

Long time ay?

2006-02-02T06:23:00.000-08:00

Sorry sorry sorry.
I know, I know, I NEED to post here more often...oi vey, it comes and and goes. Sometimes (often lately dears) I don't feel like posting.
I am so so so so behind on talking to friends and I don't know, doing anything other than working. And going to Church, I do that alot. =D
Things are good, I am alive, and breathing (ruggedly though -_- got a bit of a cough No, It could not be the ciggaretts...

Umm. Whats new? I'm more than likely going to get confirmed into the Catholic Church this comeing Easter! Ever been to a Catholic Mass. My word, I honsetly believe that Catholisism is the most beautiful expression of the Christian faith there is. And on SO many levels. I really love it.
And it makes (to me) a whole lot more sence than any of the other denominations. ^_^ (Yay! Logic! Go apologetics!)

Anything else?
^ Thats to me^
No, I don't think so...
^so is that^

Welp, it's been a HOOT. Come and say hey sometime, ay kids?
~Zook~

Truth?

2005-12-29T12:58:00.000-08:00

What is it?
Honestly, tell me true-What is the truth?

In my opinion, which, in itself is obviously not the truth (doesn't mean it's a lie, or wrong either mind you, but it is, my truth) is the absence of doubt. The unaflicted and firm certanty in a given idea.

I want the truth.
I don't know if I have it. I don't know if I see it. I don't know if the truth is staring me in the face. I don't know if it's a million miles away. But whatever it is, and where ever it is, I want it.
I want to know without a doubt that God is there, that he is on my side, and that he is indeed a God of love.

Now that I have thrown myself into the Church, I am questioning if there is any truth in atheism. Isn't that aweful...My whole life, not once have I questioned GOD, but now I wonder.

If there is a God. And now I still think there is, who is he? There are so many different ideas of who he is, what he is, how he made us, and how he treats us, what he expects from us...What the hell do I do?

Oi...I need it. I need him. You want some truth? If I ever found a certain and perfect proof, denying the existance of God, I would kill myself. Forgive me, I am not trying to be overdramatic, but honestly, what would the point be?
I think that is why atheism is a very dangerous thing. First of all, it denys human rational, it is against our nature. Man has always been a religieous animal.

So, there is problem one. Without God, there is no point to MY existance. How you all feel, I don't know. I wouldn't mind your thought though.

Now, the nature of God. I have been following the Christian path up the mountain for a long time. I have sidetracked in the past, steped to the left, into Hindu forest, got lost, came back. I know this route a little bit better...
My issue here, is that different branches of Christianity, deny the others in one way or another. And, I'm not talking about the stereotypical veiws of the religions, I'm talking about fact and how the branches..branched, and the fundamentals of their faith.

I have split it into three groups. Catholisism, Early Protestantism, and Later Protestantism.
If the later is true, then I am saved and am going to heaven no doubt about it, and I can go on my merry way killing anyone that looks at me wrong, raping women, men, children, I can steal, lie, cheat, cuss, fuck anything that takes up any physical space, and no matter what-to heaven I go. Why? Because I have at some point in my life, confessed with my mouth that Jesus is lord. Thats all she wrote, 'say no more, zip up your fly.*'
Swell, I'v got that one down, I win.
What if it's not enough though?
Off to the Catholic church! Thats where I have been exploring lately. Now, in this version of life, I have to maintain a holy life. To the best of my ability. When I sin, confess and be forgiven. Maintain a heathy spiritual diet of Body and Blood of Christ, say my prayers, perform acts of mercy, and be a good person. If I take up my cross (whichever cross that may be) and follow, I'll get to go to Heaven, and live happily ever after. I'll make God proud, I'll recive a white stone, with a new name on it, and no one will no that name but the Father and I. I want that one. So, we have a long road, but if the steps are taken, I'll get there.
Enter Early Protestantism/Gnostism/other Herasies:
The gospels of Thomas and Mary. They portray Chist in a different light. And, in the light of these gosepels, and beliefes aroung them-the Catholic church is a lie. A diliberate distortion, or complete witholding, of the Truth. But! In the Churches light, these things are lies.
Fuck.
Now its a matter of nuh-uh He did it!
Nu-uh! It was him!!!
With little to back them up...
Is Christ in the Church?
Is he in me?
Is he in you?
If I, "Split a piece of wood..." Will I find him?
If I, "Lift a stone..." Will he be there?

What on earth do I do?

Actually, in writing this, one could see that I

A)Have no doubt in the nature of, and existance of God.
B)Do believe in the risen Christ.
and
C)Seek the truth.

Then, by his own words, there is no doubt that I will find it. Unfortunatly, he didn't say where it'd be, or how long before I got there...

Oi vey.

God bless all of you, I hope that your searching for truth as well.

I think I'll stick this up as a bulletin also....

And, forgive (absolve? XD ) my mispellings and whatnot...I may seek the Truth, but whether it's truth or trooth, or tuth, or trewth-I don't care.

~Eric~

*anyone know what character says that in what book?

MySpace

2005-11-29T09:49:00.000-08:00

Did yall know that I had one?
If not, I'm leting you know.
I started bloging on their...yesterday.
No, they are NOT more important than you guys, yall are great. Yall are the best.
I do find that It is a great way to express me there.
I did two blogs, and you all know the gyst of whats going on there.

One was on the page, why I have things I have on there. I don't just post random pictures...
The other one is about the whole gay issue. I talked about just a little bit more.
Anywho. Check it out!

http://www.myspace.com/rainbowgnome

Thats easy enough to remember right?
It's the same here...in case you didn't know.

Lots of love!!!
~Zook~

Everone's a little confused

2005-11-22T12:19:00.000-08:00

Okay, I get it. The last post was indeed a confuseing one. To the latest anonymous jerk, fuck off. I don't know who you are, I'll wager a guess *guesses* but I could care less. Tis the season indeed.
I am NOT going straight. That would be a hard (soft?) thing to do. I meant that I am celibate. As is in accordanince with Church teachings. Only husbands and wives, no one else gets to have sex. Thats fine. I can handle that.
Thats it. Boiled down, it's about sex. Boiled up (add water, preheat to...) it includes dateing. I don't want to do it. I don't want to make a commitment to a man if I am not going to be able to fulfill what he, society, and the relationship status expect and imply. No mas. No problem.

I am spending my time thinking about Christ. More and more. I am meditating on the Mysteries of the Rosary. And I am asking our Lady to pray for all of us.
Mean person, I forgive you. I think your comment was rude, but whats done is done.

Everybody else feel free to comment. Support would be much apreciated. I need my brothers and sisters in Christ to be with me in Prayer and life. Help me.

Lots of love.
Other then all of this, things are going well. Work is tough with thanksgiveing here. But, it'll pass. I'm going to see Bridget for thanksgiveing, I think that'll be nice.
Again, lots of love.
~Zook~

Makeing some changes

2005-10-26T19:19:00.000-07:00

Alright, here we go. (Sorry I have been away for so long)

I have noticed, that (I'll keep it short and sweet I think)
The more I embrace being a homosexual, the further I get from Christ.
So, I'm gonna drop it like it's hot.
It is a bit scalding to the touch. Just me.
I am only talking about whats going on in my own life, I don't know whether being a queer is a sin or not, but I do know where it is leading me personaly. So, I'm out.

Thats it. Short and sweet like I said.
I don't see me running out and getting some girl pregnant any time soon, but I would like to follow Jesus where ever that leads me.

I still need your prayers.
Lots of love to all,
~Eric~

Theological discusions at Kroger

2005-09-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

So, I was talking to a co-worker after work this morning. The conversation started with [oh, and for the record, he is a Minsister...why he doesn't have a church, I don't know.] demonic posession. Yes, he claims that he has witnessed and performed exorcisims, I was quick to display my, I'm super cool, NO-theological-stuff-involveing-any-kind-of-spiritual-warfare-shocks-me attitude,that is popular amongst the more unorthodox christians.
I agreed with him, and confirmed my beliefe that such things were possibal. I asked him if he felt that God was one to protect children from such things. He gave me mixed asnwers. I wasn't sure what the final idea was. I think that God does protect the children, just me.
Anywho, we are getting more and more into the bible, the times, the writeings, how one should apply whatever into your everyday life.And I told him that at one point in my life, quite awhile ago I'll add, I was obbsesed with religion. I did everything in my power to do what I thought God wanted me to do, but I am trying to stay away from it now, and focus more on the psycological part of my growth and development.
Later on in the conversation I told him why I had strayed from the Church, queer. Darn, he was a wee bit suprised, nothing like the expresion me mum made, but still, priceless. XD
I told him what I believe now, it has taken me a long time and alot of pain to get here, but here I am! For me, the feelings of being attracted to people of the same gender (dudes) came at about the same time the other guys were commenting on the newly forming women around us. How pretty they were, blah blah blah. I never had these feelings, exept once but that was only for a few hours and we were like...11. But I don't talk about that. shh.
So, in my opinion, the quality of my homo-attraction was there since at least the age of, oh, ten. In my opinion, ten is most definantly a child, Like I said before. I think that God protects children, they don't know better, and they are in no way capable ofmakeing a "choice" that could end them up in Hell for all eternity.*Rolling eyes here.*Thats when my co-worker lets me know that the cause of homosexuality is demonic influence.
He said, earlyer in the conversation, that all Satan wants is to make your life miserable.I told him that when I was still fighting the feelings. I was miserable. But when I decided to accept them, and to learn to be okay with myself *singing starts here, "I want to thank you, fo lettin'me..."* I was happy.When all areas of my life are balanced out, and in perfect harmony, I feel alot better. I am happy, healthy, and I am full of love and joy.I don't think that those things are of the Devil.
The conversation went on to possibilities of bias in the bible. I pointed out that when the gospels quote Christ, he himself never said anything on the subject. Only paul. And leviticus. But, paul also said that Women couldn't stand up in church...My grandma said he was a dick. In nicer words than those.So, thats my opinion, does anyone else have any input? I'd love to hear it!
Love you all!
~Zook~

Grr Krogers

2005-09-21T07:59:00.000-07:00

Work called. They want me to go in and work like, super overtime. They called last night and asked if I would come in, tonight they are demanding it. Bitches.
People are fighting over everything. There isn't enough water, my step-dad and I aren't going to leave for Rita, but we are going to send the kids and the mom off. If you haven't guessed by now I am in Texas.
Bah.
Just wanted to say that, I'm off, need to get to bed. Long night comeing up.

Hey yall

2005-09-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

Last night went quite well.
I am not going to be dumb and assume that everything is going to be super from now on, but I know that reguardless of the massive truck we had to unload, it went great.

Talked to a friend of mine today. She and her boyfriend are breaking up, its sad what the're going through.
Ah, I saw that I haven't mentioned on here that I have broken up with sai Brad. That happened about 6 weeks ago I ken.
I don't want to talk to much about that here.

Ugh, this is annoying, everytime I sit down to do some writeing I draw a blank. I think that today I am just going to press on, no?

The other night, I was thinking. I believe that the animated movie, Cinderella, you know-Diseny? Teaches our kids a bit of Fruedian theory.

In the beggining (This might be a long post after all, with a start like that XD ) of the movie. She sings,
"A dream is a wish-your heart makes. When your fast asleep...."
According to Freud, a dream is a message from your subconsious, symbolicaly revealing your sexualy represed desires...hmmm...
Comeing up in our next talk, Peter Pan, cognitive therapy, or the plesebo? (I know its spelt wrong sshhhh )

Lets see, what else? I have tonight off. Yippee!
So I will be up hanging out with the PlayStation and a few books. Fun fun fun.

I guess I'll talk to you all laters ay? Keep commenting guys, I love yall and I wanna know what you have to say!
Like it says up there, ^ ^ ^ ^
You can unload here too.
~Zook~

Okay kids

2005-09-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

Well, lets see.
The feeling is continueing to frequent me at work. That horribal deppresion. I think that I am going to go see Doctor Marcellus. He is like Mr. Lucky in the way of being a powerful supporter of my recovery.
Plus he has a PHD, and can help out with the chemical means of the whole thing....

I want to thank the nice lady that read my blog, and the other kind gentalmen that commented, not the tea guy though....I was really super happy that someone read it without like, me haveing to plead them to see it, or to revisit it. XD (Glances at Zoe...and Crystal...)

What else.
Oh! Yes, I turned 18 two days ago!
Wahoo go me!
Legal!

Hmm, also. Is there an also?
Lord, I had alot to type when I started this. Now it seems to have all just, fallen out. Bah.
I promise that I will write soon, this is just a little update, but I really should go to bed now!

I Called Mr. Lucky

2005-09-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

Lately it's been getting a bit worse.
I called Mr. Lucky.
He is a wonderful person, as I have mentioned many times before. I want to give him the URL to this blog and see what he thinks.
Last night, I got to feeling really bad. What does 'bad' mean...(thats what he would ask I'm sure.)
Sad. I wanted to cry. I wanted to go home. I wanted to hit someone.
Writeing about it is makeing me sad. I want to cry.

I don't know why I am haveing these God aweful mood swings. I was diagnosed with major deppressive disorder. That might have a little to do with it...
Lord...I hate feeling this way. Soon I'll start TyPeInG LiKe ThiS...
O no...please no...
Honestly, I don't know what the swings are about, is there always a trigger to these things? Is it chemical?
I don't want to blame all my issues on brain chemistry, that seems chicken shit.
Odd, to me suicide doesn't seem chicken shit.
No, I don't want to kill myself, I just know what it's like to be there.

Oh, yeah, the story.
Mr, Lucky is in Colorado, visiting with family and whatnot. I hope he has fun :)
He told me to call him on Wednesday, so I'll be sure to do that.
At one point he asked me if I was okay for now, as in, was I calling due to an emergancy situation, I told him no, I was not haveing an emergancy, but I was worried that I was getting there. He said, well, thank you for takeing care of my feelings, and laughed, I don't know if he was jokeing or not, He knows that I don't say things that might cause anyone to have any emotion that I see as negative, unless there is really no way around it, and then I do such things in a way that is as easy as I feel it can be. I don't know...
I need your prayers if you have them guys.
I am worried about myself, see now, the sad is gone again, as quickly as it came, but when it did come, I didn't think that it would leave...
Ugh.
Love and peace profound to you all,
~Zook~

Sorry I haven't writen in a while.

2005-09-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

I know, its terribaly irrisponcable.
But I am getting used to this new schedual and whatnot.
Wow! Did yall see my little counter, ^_^ It's just chuggin' right along, either that, or someone is just reopening my page ever few seconds...

I have a new job, for those of you that know. For those of you that are related to me, and want to come see me before the store closes, YOU should come in at like, well, anytime between 11PM-1AM ^_^
I work nights, 11-7. I like it alot, I'm getting 40 hours a week so, all is well.

I have still been battleing the Raven. For those of you that have not been here since the beggining, and haven't gone back and read through all my entries, the Raven is a symbol of my deppresion.
He is a cunt.
That did deserve an entire line all to itself.
It comes and goes, I tell you though, when things are getting bad, and I am usually bored and have to much time to think, I have been haveing make-believe conversations with Mr. Lucky, the storyteller. And the Mental Mr. Lucky is a big help. Actually I am just remembering things that he has said. (In my group, we work) (Use I statements) (Oh yes, we are quite the hero child...)

So I chug on, I tell my self that I am in Mr. Lucky's group, and I am going to work through this. I will be honest here, I can be honest with yall right?
I certainly hope so.
I have had thoughts, some fleeting, some not; of suicide. I have really re-considered it. But, I am still alive, as you can see by my typeing this.
And I am not planning to quit anytime soon.

I wrote a peom, a long time ago, that ended similar to this,
"For richer or pooer, better or worse; I swear from life, I'll not divorce"

That is what I ment in the last statement of that last poem, down there. V

Your prayers would be greatly appreciated.
I told a friend that I would probably be putting up more pics of other people's beads, like I have before the post about my grandmother, expect that to happen soon enough.

Also, the ongoing post/(story) about Osmond, the child, and the nameless city, when I complete it, will be deleted and then made into one post, so that you guys don't have to read from the bottom up.

...You know, with all these people here, and no comments, I wonder...
"Wonder do you?" "I wonder yes"
"Well, now is not the time to wonder!" "The time to wonder, now is not!"

Anyone know where thats from?
I think I will also do a post about nothing but cool quotes that I like, expect everything from Mother Tereasa to Ellen ^_^

All righty then, I have gone on long enough, I love everyone!

Best wishes and peace profound,

~Zook~

2005-08-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

The Raven wispered in my ear
don't worry boy, you've not to fear.
I saw him leap and take short flight,
I followed him and saw my plight.
I listed to every vile word,
he cackled and cawed, for I had heard.
Close I came, to finding his land,
But she was there, she stretched out her hand.
Lady I need you, thanks for your love,
continue to pray, from there up above.
I said it once, I'll say it again.
Divorce is not an option!

Hey Corey, Call me tommarow!

2005-08-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

Do you remember my number?
If you don't here we go!
281-obviously for this area.
Number where PuPu was.
Knights of the round, minus that same number. (With PuPu)
The 'number' of the Cloud, (seth)
Number I e-mail you.
Naniki's #

All in that order.

Love you!

This is NOT a story...but bear with my guys...Eh, PART I

2005-08-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

In the middle of a crowded city with no name; on a streen filled with merchants and vendors and muddy children, there is a group of people standing in front of a water fountain.
The people, while looking as different as monkeys and fish, are all apart of a very important group. They are the protectors of the city, and most importantly, of the child.
One of them, is a large black woman. She wears a simple house dress and her thick but gorgeous hair is held back with a scarf. She laughs often and speaks in a rough southern form of Ebonics. She is Mama Jeradene, she cares for the city and all, well, most of its inhabitants, and especially she takes great care of the child. “Dat lil ang’l, it so precious to me. Mmm-hum he is a lil darlin, God bless him!”
Standing on Mama Jeradene’s shoulder is a small and unusual character. She is about six inches tall, has a pair of thin glittering wings, a pink tunic that shimmers as she flies, and long wavy blonde hair. She dances and sings almost constantly, and has even been reported to hum in her sleep. Her name is Stephanie. She is a merry soul, most people enjoy her vibrant company, others grow tired of her childlike playfulness quickly. It is her duty, to make sure that the child never grows to be to tough, to hard, to cold, to mean.
Across their circle from Mama Jeradene and Stephanie; is a woman who by all appearances is tough, stern, maybe a little cold at times, but she is intelligent, with a fury. She is adorned with a handsome lab-coat. Her hair is dark brown, and is usually held high on her head in a tight, neat bun. She also wears a pair of thick rimmed glasses.
In one hand she always carries a clipboard, in the other is a remarkable silver fountain pen. She writes down everything that she sees, analyzes it in every possible way, and stores it in her files. After a few weeks, these files just kind of…vanish. But, fear not, we always have access to them, even the really old ones, you just have to know where to look.
To the right of the good scientist, for that is what Dr. Anne Marie is, stands another stern man. He wears a long black leather trench coat, and has a whip hanging from his side. His hair is long and black, its tied back with a leather cord into a pony tail. He has a cold smile and deep sometimes distant dark blue, maybe even indigo eyes. Osmond is there also to protect the child. Sometimes his function is unclear. At one point he was a simple author. He wrote magnificent stories for the child and told them from his heart. But lately he just serves as an anal retentive perfectionist. He is loud and mean, and threats his whip on everyone. Some take it, others don’t. Who made him king…
To Dr. Anne Marie’s left, is another man, Lyle. His hair is dark green. He wears a cheap suit and carries a staff. He is a kind soul, who laughs and talks. Perhaps he is a distant cousin of Osmond’s. He’s an artist. He paints, and draws for the child, and tries to teach him to do likewise. He has a dazzling smile. He is very observant, he shares this quality with the good doctor. Lately he hasn’t done any art. He thinks about it. He wishes that he could. But nothing at all will come to him. Whatever he did to anger his muse is still his mystery. All he can feel is lethargy. Nothing more, so, like Osmond. He is down in the dumps and not doing what he used to do. At least Lyle doesn’t take it out on others…
In between Lyle and Mama Geradene is a small dwarf. What? You can’t believe in that? People with green hair and fairies are running around but you question the dwarf? Teh, he looks at you coldly. Which is a blessing. This dwarf is the master of the forge! A great weapon smith. He makes the steel that we use to fight. He suits up the guards, who in turn, defend the entire city! He fuels their wrath and anger. He brings a powerful, yet destructive energy to these lands when it is called for, and to often uncalled for. Despite that, he is a good man. A powerful ally, and a true friend if there ever was one. His job is really defending the childs home, he has little interest in entertaining the child, but is not opposed to helping him in his own way.
Between Osmond and Mama Jeradene is a strange figure. He is somewhat like a three-dimensional shadow. He calls himself ‘Legion’ We don’t know much about him. We don’t want to. No one understands him yet, and he gives us all a sick feeling deep within ourselves. He is everything that you did even though you knew it was wrong. He is the carnal desires that draws your eye just above and just below the waist of the attractive people around you. He is the one that screams at you to do what you would NEVER in all your life do. Perhaps you remember from your old psychology book, the shadow, Jung’s archetypes? This is him.
So, here they stand: Mama Jeradene, Stephanie, Osmond, Lyle, Doctor Anne Marie, Legion, and the smith. Seven of the most important people in our nameless city…
But, why are we here? What purpose do we serve, here on this crowded medieval city street, with the buyers and sellers and the muddy children? Maybe we are just here to observe, maybe that’s why you are here, I am a director in the whole thing, I am starting up a few minor changes, a few…processes that will begin to balance the city out, one might say…
“Dat lil boy is wa’in to hear dem stories again Osmond!” Mama Jeradene insisted.
All eyes are on Osmond, who just started at the ground, pretending to be in deep thought.
“Osmond!” Said the doctor, “Are you even listening? I think that It is high time for you to put down that whip, and start doing you job! Honestly, you need to get over yourself…your job is not to oversee everyone else. You need to, you must start writing again!” She was flushed. “Here, a gift from your colleagues.” She said, handing him a clipboard and a silver fountain pen, much like her own.
“Last I knew, that had been blessed by the muse’s before their slumbering days…Consider it…a going away gift.”
Osmond looked up quickly. “Going away?!?”
“Yes indeed son.” The smith began. “Loik the good doctor said, you’ll be goin-a-away! The great city is no longer for the loiks of you”
Standing on the outside looking in, we might observe that the smith had what seemed to be a Scottish accent.
“Ay, but you’v got a great many things ta do first!”
“Das right honey, you gone march your white ass tail feathers up to the castle and fix da lor’ an’ lady!”
The shadow, Legion, chuckled. He like Mama Jeradene, though no one really knew anything about the strange shadowy man…
“O, you shut up!” Anne Marie said.
Stephanie began dancing and singing. “Going away! Going away! Its like a magic party that I never want to leave! But I have to-cause Im-a-goin-away! Hee hee hee!” She giggled and flew round and round in the air, spreading a powdery substance all over everyone. The smith lifted off the ground a few inches.
“GODS POUND YOU! YOU BLIGHTED CREATURE! GET THIS SHIT OFF OF MEH!” The smith howled.
Legion let out another raspy chuckle.
Osmond was still looking quite stunned…”Fine! I’ll go…but, I don’t know exactly what it is you people expect me to do in the castle…”
He walked away, towards the massive castle in the distance...

--- -2- ---

Osmond grumbled to himself as he walked down the street. This was not fair at all. He hadn’t chose to go. He was just being forced to go. It was utterly ridiculous. His large black boots thundered against the stone street, and his long leather trench coat swished behind him.
Of course, it never occurred to him that they had been planning this, and for some time now…
“Who goes there!” shouted a guard, as Osmond approached the castle.
“O’ Shut up!” Osmond didn’t even look at the man as he shrunk against the wall of the guard house upon seeing that it was the lord Osmond. Although, thankfully, the guard noticed, without his whip…
He walked into the garden. This was where the child stayed. Osmond saw the child looking very intently at a dandelion. Then, he closed his eyes and made the sign of the cross, backwards, over the little weed. It was a strange sight. The little boy that this city had been built far, was in the garden, blessing a weed when there were hundreds of other ‘real’ flowers about him.
The child reached down and plucked the dandelion from the ground. He smelt it with glee. Then, he looked up and saw the man in the dark cloak.
“Osmond!” He shouted. The dandelion fell from his hand, and now lay, forgotten, on the ground. He ran up to hug the new visitor.
“Mr. Osmond! Have you come to tell me a story again?” He was very exited. His young face was hopeful, it was an expression that was very difficult to refuse. Osmond didn’t.
“Well, yes! I am. Not a long one. But one that will help you know, kind of, what’s going on with me right now.” Osmond smiled.
So, Osmond sat down. He told the child of a young woman who lived in a far-a-way place called, England (mystic light of wonder and awe fills the child’s eyes.) And how this woman, or a ‘part’ of her, was just like Osmond. She wanted to tell stories to her children, so she went to a special place, where she could see a great many things. And one day, when she was sitting in her magic, ‘far-seeing’ place. She spotted a very special boy. He was a magical boy, who had magical powers, and lived in a magical world! His name, was Harry Potter™. So, she watched the boy, and wrote down all that she saw, so that she could tell the story to her children, (not to mention every other child in the world…making it a hit, making her rich, giving her a ‘real’ castle to live in :-P )
“That’s neat Mr. Osmond!” The child said. “So, you are going to go to a magic place, where you can see like that lady did?”
“Exactly, but I have some things to do in the castle first. But, I will tell you all of the things that I see there. Just like the young woman, who saw the boy did for her children, and all the other children that she wanted to give the magical story to.
“Now, I want you to go up and go to bed! Its high time for your nap I’m sure. So go to sleep. Dream! Every time you dream, my special place gets to be more powerful! Every time you use your imagination, my place gains strength.”
The boy hugged Osmond around the neck and ran off.
Osmond stretched. He felt, refreshed. Cleansed. The child was so beautiful. He could turn away a rabid hound with one little backwards cross in the air.
Now then, Osmond had business to attend to. He put his poker face back on. He would need it to get the muses up and ready to help him. He must convince them to leave the, o-so-powerful, castle of lethargy, and bring them to his far-seeing place!

--- -3- ---

Osmond entered the throne room warily. There they sat, the lord and the lady.
They were beautiful beings. Their hair was long, thin and blonde; almost to the point of being white. They wore long flowing silver robes. Their eyes shone bright sky blue. Both of them say up straight in their seats, but they appeared to be vacant and far off.
Osmond was beginning to sweat a little bit now. Neither seemed to know that he even existed. He noticed a gong to the left of their thrones. He casually walked over to the gong and slammed it with his knuckles.
Both of the muses jumped up, looking old, senile, and frightened. He walked back and stood before them.
“My lord and lady!” Osmond began. “The time has come!”
He smiled in a pleasant manner and he took them both by the forearm and began to walk them towards the door.
They smiled and came along with him. Neither seemed to know what was going on at all. But they seemed happy, in an eerie child-like way, that was not suiting for beings of their age and supposed wisdom.
When Osmond walked into the sunlight their eyes registered a small bit more. A very small bit more.
Osmond had no idea what he was going to do with the poor muses. The fact that they seemed to be completely mentally incapacitated was quite disturbing indeed. Osmond’s eyes chanced upon the door to the eastern tower. And he gasped with understanding.
“Or course! The child!”
He left the two of the muses in the garden to ponder the sunlight and the grass upon their bare feet.
Osmond sprinted up the stairs and then stopped when he came to the door to the room at the top of the tower. He opened the door a crack and peered inside.
What he saw touched his heart. The child was reading a story that Osmond himself had written for him, a very long time ago. It made him smile and brought a gleam of moisture to his eyes.
The story was about a young boy, much like the child, who lived in the woods with his abusive and wicked stepmother. One day, he finally ran away and went deep into the forest. Over the course of many chapters, he met a large number of fun characters and exiting people. In the end, he re-met up with his evil stepmother. She showed her true colors and revealed that she was a powerful dark sorceress. There was a great battle. Obviously, the boy and his friends won, and, (did you expect anything different?) lived happily ever after…(That story was written when little Zook was in the third grade, I owe my obsession with writing to you Mrs. LaPoint, my 3rd grade teacher ^_^ )
It was clear that the child was reading about the great battle at this point, as his eyes were wide, and his breathing was sped up just a little.
Osmond opened the door all the way and cleared his throat. The child gasped, gave a little squeal and jumped up.
“Oh! Mr. Osmond! Goodness you scared me.”
“Son, I need you to do something for me, for all of us…”

--- -4- ---

Osmond led the child to the child to the two vacant muses. Their eyes were cloudy but there was the light of joy, deep within them. Osmond dismissed the light as a temporary glee caused by all the stimuli they were experiencing after so much time. There was no doubt in his mind that Doctor Anne Marie would agree completely.
The child walked up to the muses. He had a sort of horrified look on his face. “Why are you as two? What broke you?”
The child was filled with great concern. His forehead wrinkled up, he was deep in thought.
“Woe, woe, woe to you! People of the earth!’ An angel said that in Super God’s book! You know? The one under the table in the living room. It’s Nana’s book. Now, Baby Super God, he said that I can fix you! I can make you better because he loves me, and he loves you.”
The child closed his eyes, held out his hand, palm towards the muses, and made a cross to them in the air, backwards. Up-down-right-left.
‘I command you!” He said. “In the name of my mother! Nana the wise! Gerardine Ann Thompson! And in the name of her mother before her! Fran Grizinski! And in the name of her mother, even before her! Anna Biondidillo! I command that love guide you! And that purity save you! And that faith will make you strong!”
As he spoke, it was clear that the child was not the originator of these words, another voice, one that seemed holy and beautiful was flowing out of him. His eyes were shining, and a white light was all around him. His transfiguration was not terrifying or intimidating. It was spoken true. From the heart. And with firm conviction. He was beautiful.
Out of the mouths of babes…
A cross, made of white light formed in the air in front of the two muses who started with growing awe. Then it flashed and flew at them. When it hit; it exploded. They were overcome by a brilliant light.
No one saw their forms merge. No one saw it shift like liquid. No one saw a new being form, born again.
When the child stepped back he laughed with glee. He jumped up and hugged the new figure that stood before them.
Osmond had just gawked at the scene that was unfolding before him. He had not known what to expect from the child, but what he saw in his mind before hand was not this.
The light had faded away. And now there stood, hugging the child a strange, and…say sorry, but somewhat ugly man. Though he did have a kindly face, and he seemed like a very warm, and wise old fellow…

2005-07-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

Hey there all you hoppin' cats and boppin' kitties*, I'm still alive and well, I'll write back after more consideration and thought...I don't know WHEN that will happen.... :-P

(*Stolen from one of Henrey Leydens personas, Henry the sheik, the shake, the shook. ) :-P

Waiting

2005-07-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am waiting to post part two of the "Dear Friends" Blog until I recive a little more feedback from these, "Dear Friends" ^_^ Of mine.
I am putting some actual thought into that one before I go and post the rest. I think that it will be sort of an actual plan for myself to get better, what I think that I need to be doing to treat all parts of moi.
Thanks for reading, and being nice enough to post something to me....
hee hee hee o O (The guilt trip is bound to get them!)

Love,
~Zook~

2005-07-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

No one has anything to say to that one huh...?

Dear Friends

2005-07-13T12:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

Heh, the title of the post is to let you know that you are all very dear to me, I hope that the feeling is mutual.
Lately, I have been feeling ‘iffy’ so to speak. And I am writing down my thoughts and observations concerning my general health, in all areas in my life.
Is it safe to say, that things go wrong when we encounter imbalances in ourselves? Is it safe to say that we, as the individual with the imbalance, are the only ones that can correct our problem? Can medications treat a spiritual malady? What is the nature of disease? What is the nature of spiritual, mental, emotional, hormonal, physical, genetic, intellectual, and social imbalances. How do we take these imbalances and correct them?
One step at a time. One day at a time. One week at a time. One month at a time. One year at a time. One step at a time. That’s really all we can do.
Having once considered myself an alcoholic, I went to many AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings. And I greatly respect the work that they do, and the theories that they have. According to AA, alcoholism is only a symptom of a greater problem. That greater problem being the lack of a spiritual nature; a need for a beneficial and harmonious relationship with a benign and loving God.
I started thinking about this when I wrote down my general thoughts and posted them here. So, is it possible that I too, could have this spiritual bankruptcy, and not have the same symptom of alcoholism? I think so.
So, lets look at the exact symptoms of my recent illness.
Physical
Nasal congestion
Occasional stomach upset
Lack of appetite
Chronic cough
Emotional
Feeling ‘distant’ from reality
Anti-Social (Mildly)
Withdrawing into myself
Sense of foreboding or impending doom
Intellectual
Constant craving for knowledge, and intellectual stimulation
Boredom
Withdrawing to think deeply about things that on a greater scale, don’t matter all that much…
Over analyzing everything
Hyper-vigilance
Social
Lack of, but craving for, social interaction.
When I am in a social situation, I clam up and get scared
Once again, over analyzing people, places, and situations.
Hormonal
I’m going to skip this one, only a doctor can really tell me if I have any kind of hormonal imbalances, via a blood test.
Mental
This too refers to the actual brain. Not the mechanics that I play part in, but the physical matter upstairs, I have any imbalances here, once again, only a doctor can tell me that.
Spiritual
Lack of a relationship with that God that I was talking about earlier.
Cravings, I need spirituality in my life.
I just haven’t been looking at this much lately.

So, these are the symptoms. Now, once a doctor has seen all of the symptoms, what does he do? He analyzes the situation, and makes a diagnosis. That’s what I want to do, I want to analyze this and figure out exactly what is wrong with me.
And yall, I am writing from my heart here, not my head. I haven’t already written this down somewhere else, this is not a final draft. This is a rough draft, I’m writing what comes up. If, at the end of this post, I still don’t know the answer, its not that I am keeping anything from you, its just that I honestly don’t know. I am writing what comes up, for better or worse.

Is it possible for your mind, your sub-conscious, to command your body to operate a certain way, to display different physical traits, in order to reach you, and let you know what is going on, or that there is just something wrong?
I have to wonder, if my physical symptoms are not due to pollen, or a cold, or anything of that sort, and are just my higher self’s way of saying, “Hey, asshole, fix yourself! Your broken!” Is it possible? Is there any chance of such things happening?
I think that there is. And I think that is what is going on with my body. I think that I am imbalanced somewhere, and my subconscious is reaching out. Your subconscious knows everything. It is there, that we are connected to the collective consciousness, the subconscious mind, of every being on the planet, combined. So, if one person knows something, and has it in their subconscious mind, it flows through all of us, we all know it, we all feel it. Some people, I believe, are more in tune with this collective consciousness. Did you know, more people miss or cancel their flights on planes that end up crashing then planes that don’t? Yes, I am talking about psychic phenomenon here, I have to wonder if the future is also linked to our minds…We can feel and imagine the past, why not the future, even if it is on a level that is not completely aware of it.
Scientists have done tests on such things. For example: A person was hooked up to a machine that monitors activity in the brain. They were shown a picture. As they looked at the picture, certain parts of their brain showed activity. Later, they were told to imagine the picture, the same exact parts showed the same levels of activity. This means that to your physical brain, you are receiving the information all over again, just like it was happening for ‘real’. To our brains, there is no difference between the past, and the present. So why not the future too?
Anyways, I’m getting off track. So, I think that my physical symptoms are due to an understanding by my subconscious that there is something wrong, out of order, imbalanced.
Where do I go to correct this problem? How do I go about doing it? Is there a drug that can cure a spiritual problem? I’m I a fucking lunatic for even writing such outrageous shit? Do you think that the captain of the football team is hot? Do you secretly want to merry Osama Bin Laden for his money, and so that you can get back at your next door neighbor and their dog for pooping in your lawn? Are you still reading this?
I will attempt to answer my questions in another post later on. I would like to hear what you all have to say first. If you have stayed with me so far, thank you dear friends, thank you.

Love to you all,
~Zook~

Crystal!

2005-07-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

Hey you!
Big sister!
We need to talk more often!
E-Mail me!
Or get yahoo instant messanger!
Hurry!

Love you!
~me~

o.O

2005-07-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

What is this????
My little counter is merrily chugging along yet people don't post!
Tabby read the post about Nana and commented, she had my permission, but heck! Crystal? Brad? Anyone!?!?!?!
X_X '
Bleh.
Whatever, its all good. Just a few word here and there would be nice...
heh heh.
~Zook~

Those Hands.

2005-07-09T19:05:00.000-07:00

The title will be explained later.

Im going to tell you all about the most wonderful person in the world.
My Nana.
She was an artist, a business woman, a wife, a daughter, a grandmother, a mother, a farmer, a saint in my eyes.

Nana took care of Tabby and I when we were really little. She was always there for us. When Bridget used to hurt us, I often cried myself to sleep at night, saying over and over again, I want to see my Nana, I want to see my Nana.....

April 23rd, 2003
That night, Tabby and I were out makeing beads. Well, I was, Tabby was watching. Nana was a lampworker. She made things like, that^.
Those were not her best, no not at all. She had some beautiful work. That was a christmas special. She was teaching me how to do it. I loved it. Going out, melting glass on a big tourch, makeing wonderful creations with fire. Heh heh.
I turned off the kiln, went out, milked the goats, and went in. Nana asked me if I had turned the kiln off, she had a show to go to, and the beads needed to be cool by morning. I told her I had. We watched TV and stuff. I remember that she made herself some popcorn, she was so happy. She had given up all starches for lent. Easter had been 3 days earlyer, on April 20th. that year, lent was over and she got eat popcorn while she read in bed again! ^_^ She did that every night.
I went to bed, slept well.

April 24, 2003
I woke up, it was about 11, maybe 10. Nana and Papa were already awake, there was coffee made and she was getting ready for the bead show in Houston. We were all really exited. She was a little upset with me though, I didn't turn off the kiln from the night before.
"O my goodness, Nana, I am so sorry, I could have swore that I turned it off! I rememeber doing it."
"Its okay Eric, I was just hopeing to leave a little earlyer, Its fine ^_^ "

Nana was giveing her directions and going over things as we packed up.
"Eric, you and Papa are going to working on the buck pen later. I'm hopeing that it will BE DONE WHEN I GET BACK ;-) (She yelled the last part so Papa could hear, she was kidding with him) And do all your chorse, feed the animals, water, everything. And be good for Papa!"

"Of coarse =) I don't know what we are gonna do around here without you Nana, your the ringleader in this show :-P "

"*Laugh* O' Eric, I'm only going to be gone for a few days"

After everything was packed up, we prayed. This was something different, but thats what she wanted to do. We did, she prayed out loud while we stood in a little circle holding hands, she asked that she would have a great show, that her back would be okay, that she would make it home safely, and that everything was in the lord's hands.

She left. I opened the gate so that she could drive out, I shut the gate and watched her drive away.
We all went inside, Papa says, "Well, do you kids have things to do? I hope so, because I am going to go play golf!"

We all laughed. Tabby, Papa, and I all went our seperate ways. He to play golf and me and Tabby went to play with our friends.
I went to Robbies house, then I got bored and left. On the way home I saw Robert and his girlfriend driveing past. They stopped and said hi, I took a hit off of the joint that they were smokeing and went on my merry way.
I stoped at...I don't remember their name now's....house. They were packing up to move. Obviously we weren't very close, but I used to fool around with one of the boys that lived there. lol, fun in the country huh? Ack, I say boy, but thats what we both were. Don't picture this old man, doing stuff with a little boy eww, We were about the same age. I think he may have been a year younger.
I went back home. I was feeling weird, kind of dizzy, a little floaty, in short...stoned.
I watched spongebob with Tabby, she had gotten home 3 or 4 minuets before me. I wasn't really paying attention.
The Phone rang.
Me:"Hello?"
Some lady:"Yes, I need to speak to Steven Thompson please."
"Im sorry ma'am, He isn't here right now, I think that he is out playing golf, can I take a message?''
"No. Do you know when he will be back?"
"Nope, I don't know how long it takes to play golf, Can I ask who this is?"
"My name is "?'' From (herman mem.?) Hospital. It is very important that I speak to him, as soon as possibal."
"O. Your from the hospital, is everything okay?"
"Im trying to get a hold of him in reguards to Gerry Thompson, his wife. She has been in an automobile accadent."
"What!?! Umm, okay, well this is his Grandson. Gerry Thompson is my grandmother! Umm, is she okay? Her back! She just had back surgery, is her back okay? Umm, I don't know if she is allergic to anything, one time she drank beer and broke out into a rash, YEAST! She is allergic to yeast! And umm, she takes prozac. That only reacts with like, um, Heart medication right? Yeah, don't give her any heart medication! Is she okay? What happened?!?!?!?!?"
"Im sorry sir, I can only release that information to Steven Thompson. I really need to speak with him."
"I TOLD YOU,HE IS NOT HERE! Ma'am, this is HER GRANDSON! Im a member of the family. Just tell me if she is okay or not!"
"Im sorry sir, I can ONLY speak to Steven Thompson about it."
"Damnit! I said that he isn't here, I can tell him as soon as he gets back! O WAIT! Cell phone. I don't know the number. O no, Nana had the cell phone. Shit. He is at the ORCC, Thats the, Oak Ridge Country CLub, thats where he is playing Golf at! Call him there! But tell me, is she okay?"
"Sir, I can't"
"Damnit! I need to know! Please lady, tell me!!!!!!"
"Im sorry sir, I can't, I told you, I can only tell..."
"WHY!?!?!?!? That dosn't make any sence this is her grandson Damnit TELL ME IF SHE IS OKAY OR NOT!?!?!??!?"
"Im sorry sir, I have to go"
*Click*
I ran into the bathroom, I didn't want Tabby to see me like this. She was there, but she was completely absorbed into sponge bob.
I prayed, "God, please let Nana's back be okay. Please make sure that nothing has happened!" Over and over again.
I went out to the liveing room,"Tabby, Nana was in a car accadent, I don't know if she is okay, the stupid Bitch on the phone wouldn't tell me. Just say lots of prayers okay?"

"Okay"

She didn't seem upset at all. It made me furious. I started screaming at her. I don't know why I did. I wanted her to be upset. I figured that It would make it better if we got really worried and prayed non-stop.

I heard the dogs barking, I looked out in the window.
I started to freak out. First Nana gets into an accadent, now somebody sees me take a hit off a joint and calls the cops. I walked ouside and played what I thought was dumb.
"Are you here looking for my grandpa?"
"Yes I am ( o.o? ) Is he here now?"
"No, hes at the ORCC, playing golf."
"O okay, well Iv got someone headed that way too. So, we'll find him."
"Is this about my grandma?"
"Yes"
"Do you know if she is okay?"
"Son, I can't say. I really don't know."

He left.
I walked back towards the house.
Halfway there another car pulled up.
Marie, a friend of Nana's was driveing, she was with April, Sherie, Beth, and Tiffany. I went and opened the gate as Marie got out of her truck. She came in, the girls stayed in the car, just looking at me.
"Did you hear about Nana?"
"Yes sweety I did."
"How much do you know about it, I talked to the hospital but they wouldn't tell me"
"Everything."
"So, is she okay? Is she gonna be alright?"
At this point she grabed me and pulled me close to her.
"No sweety shes not, she died in the crash. No one knows how it happened, but she died."
I was stuned, I just stood there and let her hug me, She was crying.
"Eric, your Nana was a good woman, she is probably in heaven makeing beads right now."
Who the fuck did she think I was. What a load of bullshit. That was a stupid thing to say.

I let go of her and backed away. I was crying, but it was soft.
All the girls looked at me, "We're sorry Eric, Is there anything that we can do for you?"

"No, just leave me alone for now. I don't really want anything, but I can't handle all these people here"
I felt numb. I didn't believe it. No.
Marie said, "Eric, don't tell Tabby okay?"
Tabby walked outside. Marie told her.
I wasn't listening. I was off somewhere else. I have no idea where though, at this point the high was gone....
Tabby was bawling.
It made me mad, she was crying, she should have prayed more!
I was the one who was so worried and now she is here makeing me look heartless. I still don't know why I was so mad at her, logicaly, i shouldn't have been.

I asked them to leave us alone.
After offereing to stay several times, I let them know that it was't about me thinking they didn't want to be there, it was about the fact that I didn't want them to be there.

Tabby and I went inside.
We just sat, stareing at Patrick and SpongeBob, crying.
Papa burst into the door, I don't know how much later.
"Hey kids, I know that you all know about Nana. Don't you believe a word of it, someone around the neighborhood is going around saying that she is DEAD!"
I can still hear him saying the last part. His voice cracked when he said 'dead' It sounded aweful. I didn't like seeing him like that.
He said that we were to stay here, and that he was going to the hospital to see if she was okay. Lisa's husband Frank was takeing him. If he heard anything on the way to the hospital, he would turn around.

He left, Marie came back. She said that Lisa had called her, and that Papa had told Lisa to tell Marie to stay with us. I was outside with Marie.
Papa was comeing back, he only left like, three minuets ago. But he was comeing back.
"He forgot his phone" I said, I hoped.
He came into the gate. Tabby and I went to see what he needed. He grabed us both really hard, and said,
"Kids, Nana's gone to be with the lord"
We hugged, and we were all bawling now.
I felt aweful. Whenever that song, "Under the Bridge" Comes on, and he says, "I dont ever wanna feel, like I did that day. Take me to the place I love, take me all the way."
I see Papa at first, "...shes DEAD(Crack)" "Nana's gone to be...."
Then on the second verse, I see Nana, I hear her voice. I remember being with her, and liveing in the country with her, the place I loved.

Everything else was a blur. People came and went. Bringing food and all sorts of shit we didn't need or want. Gee thanks you trailer trash bitch, this samwhich meat sure is nice, but its not HER! Thats just how I felt.

That night, I layed in the hammock and Cried, I said over and over and over and over and over agian, for hours; "Please god let this be a terribal terribal terribal terribal nightmare..."Over and over.

People left. Papa got completely drunk. I went to bed.
I don't remember but a few pieces of the following days.
Me walking around with my friends, wanting to be away from the people at the house, and then saying that I wanted to be alone, Robbie called out, No you need to come with us. You want to kill yourself. I said fuck you, don't be a fucking dumbass. And left.

Papa drunkly saying, well, at least one good thing has come out of this Eric, you get to eat the olives!
Nana and I allways had to scramble to eat the olives. Finally, she bought two sams size olive jars, and carved a huge "N" Into the top of one with a steak knife.

People at the house, talking about other things, and laughing. It made me so so mad.

The memorial service.

Crystal, in a black and red suit. Dad later said some shit about her 'cause she was wearing it.

Mom, running to find Great grandpa and hugging him.

Great grandma M. (on nana's ex-husbands side, my dads grandma via his dad) Laughing and takeing pictures of everybody.

Dad and I, out on the pourch. He said that we had to come back to Maine. I didn't want to go. He said that Papa had no leagal right to us, he was not our biological grandfather. I hated my dad then.

Later, going to Nates house. Tim and his Dad Jeff were there. They were talking about when their wife/mom died. The song Clocks was playing. I think of that conversation ever time I hear it, and how I had allways wndered what it was like for them, knowing that their wife/mom had died, and now knowing. I felt like they were welcomeing me into a club. I didn't want to be apart of their club anymore. I wanted to stay on the outside, and just wonder.

I often think about Nana. How she created so many beuatiful things, how she cared for so many injured animals get back to health, how she would help little chicks out of their eggs if it was takeing to long, and they were haveing trouble, how she took care of Tabby and I when we were little, how she cooked, how she cleaned, how she tilled the earth, planted, harvested, all with those hands of hers.
Her hands did so many wonderful things. Those hands.
I plan to write a poem one day, called those hands.
I haven't been able to produce anything though when I sit down to do it. But that phrase will allways be in my mind...
Those Hands.

~Zook~

Thoughts on psycological development....and alot more.

2005-07-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

Now, before any asswipes with PHD's come in here and yell at me let me say this, Im a 17 year old. I have never taken a psychology class, im probably not even spelling it right. This is, as the title implies, my thoughts, so, unless you have something constructive to say. Shut the hell up.

I think its kind of neat to get to see these children grow, age, maturem progress. I know that its a hell of alot easyer to look at other people than it is to look at yourself.
I often wonder how my younger siblings got to where they are today. How exactly did they decide that it is appropriate to do what it is that they do. I think that conditioning has alot to do with it.
For example: Whenever my mom gets mad at Cris and is yelling at him, he runs away from her with his hand over his bottom, he knows that she will hit him as he runs. I wonder if she has ever seen this?
I don't know though, why other actions are taken as far as the little brother is conserned. Where did he learn his evil manipulation skills? Probably my mother...Why does he make random noises and yell at random times just to piss people off? Thats probably just the basic need for attention...hmm, and then I wonder, why the hell do I do what I do. Why do I interpret situations the way I do. Why do I feel like I do. Where do I get my basic personality traits? Why the fuck do I think so much? How come im not as stupid as some of my peers? Why am I a homosexual? Where did my obsesive nature come from? Why am I so freaked out about God and religieon?

All things that I think about....Lets see, Tabby. She is really quiet. She is to herself and she is like this little, suck up do whatever mommy says without argueing. Crystal and I certanly arent like that. Cris isn't like that, my psyco bitch mother isn't like that. Bleh.
I don't know. Ack! I thought that I was in more of a mood to type but I guess im not. I have been feeling weird all day. I don't want to do anything. I have been paseing. And I feel really, distant. These are all signs that a wave is comeing. The Raven has seen me and wants to land on me and peck my eyes out. I think that I might be getting deppresed. I don't like to say it though, I feel like if I do, it makes it more real. Bleh. Those of you that pray, and that believe in any kind of higher power, some intelegent being that is above us. Send some positive energey my way will ya?
I think that I am getting sicker. I told Rodeny that I need to go to the docter. Bleh. I can't believe that it is already 830, 2030 for you military brats :-P I feel like I am comeing down from an Adderal high. No, I have not taken any type of medication designed to stimulate the central nervous system. I did take some Claratin....like 10 hours ago. Bleh.
I want to do something, but I don't know what. I want to be all happy and gidy. I want to laugh. I don't want this feeling to progress into something worse.
How does one make ones disires a reality? Positive thinking? Prayer? Ritual magick? All of them? Sleep? Pills? How do you do it? What do you do when you start to feel icky. When your heart is heavy and your mind seems to have left. Where do you go? Mentaly, emotionaly, everything.
I will be okay. I will make it through whatever it is that I am going to go through. I will come out stronger. I will see what is happening before it gets any worse. I will take a different road than I have in the past.

Behold the Raven.

See the Raven, there he flies.
A cloud, a storm; in the skies.
See the raven, his feathers are black.
Say sorry kids, the Raven is back.
____________________________

I don't know, spur of the moment thing. I might add more later. Not sure.
I need to call Brad, I have just felt so god damned lethargic.
Last night we went and saw Bewitched. I liked it. After, we went to a little coffee house place, I don't remember what it was called, and hung out there for a little while. I overheard some people talking, they were in the program and were talking to a girl. She had 38 days sober, I told them about Rodney, not mom though. And I said that I had basicaly grown up in AA :-P I mentioned that I thought that I had a problem at one point, but that I am over it now. Brad knows, I can drink one smirnoff, and let that be that, even if another is availible. When Brad took me back home, I really wanted to kiss him. But alas, I didn't. I don't want him getting sick. :"-( O well.
!
Maybe thats why I have been sick. My body knows that something is wrong emotionaly, or spiritualy,. or something. ! Damnit, this is not good. I should have been paying better attention. >:-() I have enough experience in this, I should have seen it!
:-o What if its not even from me? What if I'm picking up vibes from somewhere else? Yes, I suppose that its always easyer to blame an outside sourse for internal problems. But im talking about seeing the big in the small. What is it, on the emerald tablets of thoth....The high in the low? How the cosmoverse, the multiverse, manifests itself in the universe, the earth, the individual.....Maybe its something about mom. I wonder if she is okay? She isn't here right now, she stormed out of the house. She has been in a terribal mood all day long. I wonder if she got in an accadent? I always wonder that, ever since Nana died. I wonder if this time will be the last time that I ever see someone again. She was taken so suddenly. Have I writen about her? About that day?
Hmm, I don't think so. I will do that. Im gonna close this post, and do another right now....
~Zook~

O my god I feel sick :-l

2005-07-08T08:59:00.000-07:00

My mom had me take some allergy medicine last night before I went to sleep. The box says non-drowsy. It should say anti-drowsy on it. I only slept for like, an hour and a half...and then in the time that I did sleep I had a nightmare.
Brad and Crystal were there, yelling at me. They were both really hurt and pissed off that I had writen about them on here *_* O' my god, When I woke up I seriously just wanted to jump up and delete this blog. Bleh!
But, nevertheless, I am going to continue to post my feelings and thoughts on here, about EVERYTHING. No matter what.
LOL, Its like that movie, I don't remember the name of it....um something spy? It was a nickolodian production with Rosie O'Donald in it. Remember? Anyways, the kids get a hold of her journal, and read everything, and everyone is all mad at her. Even her friends, but she had no bad intentions in her entries. Bleh.
I don't know, I'll do more later. I need sleep. I feel like hell. Ever since that time when I went a week with NO sleep, I have had a very low tolerance for sleeplessness.
I was in school, and I had been working on this painting, so I was staying up all night by takeing a bunch of Adderal at regular intervels throughout the day. Then, after a week I started to hallucinate. I saw her, the girl I was painting everywhere. I thought that the mexican workers had broke into our house and drawn her all over everything just to taunt me, to say, "Hey man, you suck! Look, we can paint Madame Ouesille so much better than you!"
I told Rodney, I was in tears because he couldn't see it. I was freaking out.
But, after some sleep she was gone.
Then, another time I went without sleep for only one day, I started seeing little things here and there. Like, out of the corner of my eye it looked like there was flies all over my little brother's food *_*
Needless to say. I need to get to bed. I will be on later!

~Zook~

Ack!

2005-07-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, now Brad knows the address to the website!
I'm a little funny about people I know knowing how to read my journal, conditioning? I don't know.
I guess its like, say I know this girl, and she has 1 finger to many, but only on one hand, I can't get on here and say, wow, I know this girl who has 11 fingers, thats kinda weird huh? If she knows how to get to this site!
Is that dumb? No, I don't think I would ever post anything hurtful or weirld like that about Brad and Crystal, but its just the idea that if oneday I wanna mention my sister's mondo boobs ( :-P @Crystal) I can't do it out of fear that she will see it.
Lol, well I dunno, im more worried I think about being upset with either of you guys and like, getting on here in an angrey rage and posting things I don't really mean. You know? I can see myself doing that, either forgeting that yall know, or remembering that yall know and haveing no where to vent. Bleh. O well, Im sure everything will be fine!
Love to all my fans! :-P
~Zook~

Okay, this post is in honor of my good friend!

2005-07-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

I am posting this because I LOVE Zoe's work.
I hope she wont mind, I am going to post my favorite poem of hers ^_^

The name of the poem is "Invasion" Just read it, I will post the name of her website, send her money! :-P

Here yall go!

Invasion
One evening I stepped outside,
To watch the battle of light and dark,
But it had already begun.

The sun was retreating,
Slow at first then faster,
Leaving its spilled blood splattered across the sky.

The moon, in all its weakness, was winning.
The sun was great in power,
but the moon had allies.

The stars soon began to claim their place along side their master.
Darkness was the boundary line of all the moon's territory.
Covering the ground with its black veil.

Animals flee to escape the invasion.
Only the brave stay out.
The moon laughed, victory was its to hold,

The stars now fully revealed their numbers,
Legions all serving the night sky.
The sun was dead, or so they thought.

Just wait 'till morning.

Short and sweet!
I thought that it was very creative.
You can veiw some of her other works at this link. Not only does she do poetry, but she is an AMAZEING artist. Zoe, if you comment and post your other website I will edit this post and put that on here too.
Love ya!
~Zook~

http://www.cookie.dimensionalwisp.com/home.html#

Check it out!

Crystal,

2005-07-07T17:36:00.000-07:00

This post is mainly for you.
I want you to know that I have said some things in here that I wrote when I was mad. I really felt shity that saterday when the Pride Perade was going on. I felt abandoned and like I said, stood up. But, regardless of then, this is now and I am totaly cool.
At first I was really kinda iffy about giveing you the address to this site, and don't take it personaly, the only other person that I know from day to day life that has this address and knows who it is, is my good friend Corey.
So...But anyways. I want you to know that I do consider you to be like, my best friend in the world. I am not upset with you, and If I do, in the future, get mad at you, and I post about it on here, lol, just know that its heat of the moment stuff, Heh heh, actually this might be a great place to have our arguments ^_^ Neither of us can interupt the other one. Hee hee you can post replies here!
Maybe YOU should get a journal to! It would be nice to know whats going on in the day to day life of my darling sister.
For those of you who have not been here since the journal started, and have not read the past entries (Im pretty sure I posted alot of family history and whatnot in the first entry) I will explaine Crystal, she can make any corrections and comments, which I would love to read.
Crystal is my (Half [who cares about the technicalities right?] ) Sister. We were seperated when she went into foster care after our mother could no longer take care of us. She (My mother) was an alcholic, and had made a very close suicide attempt. Heh, actually it was Crystal, at the tender age of 5(?) who ran next door and told the neighbors so that they could call 911. Crystal was shiped around from place to place, until, finaly, my moms brother David, and his (now ex) wife Cindy, addopted her, and her brother (my half brother, her full mind you) Josh. They were so young that they considered him and still do to be their father. We joke about how, 'My mama and daddy are brother and sister' :-P LOL.
It is my understanding that Cindy didn't let them, or her husband, see this side of the family. So, Crystal and I didn't see each other for 8 years. When we finally did see each other again, in October of 2000, we were imidiatly best friends again ^_^
Our mother informed us that we were like that when we were little and after seeing each other again for the first time in 8 years it was funny how we immideatly clicked.
Crystal and I are like any other set of friends, we fight and then we make up again. Hee hee, usually its something dumb, and the make up thing is usually a spontanious and humorous gesture that we often bring up and talk about latter. Tootsie Rolls, perfume, ect...
Ha-ha! The main thing that brings us together again is the common disgust and disrespect for our mother! Lol, its great, the two of us can sit and talk about the bitch for hours. And leave feeling like new! Gee thanks mom, you have given your children a common goal, a reason to live!
:-P
I hope she never reads this o.O How will I get around explaining that one!
Oi vey!
But, Crystal. I love you! And from this post on I will be writeing as if I never knew that you had the address, exept of coarse in the comments part. And damn it! You had better comment! On EVERYTHING!
Hee hee, I just need some fans okay? :-P
No one else really comments....O! Exept, 'Eric of the far north' I don't know who he is, but he seems like a cool guy, at least I have SOMEONE who comments ^_^

Thanks for reading AND POSTING!

~Zook~

Fort Worth Concert

2005-07-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

Well, friday, I got to go to a concert in Fort Worth, it was wonderful!
I went with my good friend 'Zoe' (thats how her fans will know her.) And another good friend, Judy.
We went to the Bass Perfomance Hall, in Fort Worth Texas, to see the musical work of, Nobou Umatsu, (I think thats how you spell it) He is the composer of all the Final Fantasy Music. It really was wonderful.
Today I applied for a position on an online roleplaying community, I applied for the part of Ramuh, the Thunder God. Perhaps I do need some time to get in character and away from me! I think that it will be fun!
I went ahead and started a jornal on greatest journal, the name there is obviously Ramuh. If your a final fantasy geek, go check it out.
Not much else has happened lately, I haven't talked to Brad since, Thursday, that kind of sucks! O' well, I will get to talk to him tommarow im sure.

Thats all for now guys,
~Zook~

Great buttons, pins, gay stuff, you know!

2005-06-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

What do you all think?!?!?
Gotta love it!
Hee hee hee hee!

As promised!

2005-06-30T17:30:00.000-07:00

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want, even if it's extremely personal. I DON'T CARE. It's part of the fun. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

O promised that I would copy and paste this so here it is!
Go ahead, ask away!
I will answer honestly to the best of my ability!

Anticipation!

2005-06-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Feeling: Great, nice and perky due to massive quantity of energy drinks!

Lets see how many of these little people I can put on here!

YAY! Aren't they great!

I just wanted to share the FF8 gang with yall before I went to bed!

Night everyone!

~Zook~

Wow, the preist wrote me back!

2005-06-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

Did I say that I had sent an E-Mail to a preist? Go read the post, Mavis this isn't working...blah blah blah....Something about Mavis in it. Go read that post, I sent that letter to this preist with a few extra things in it, and this is how he responded, the words in red are quotes from my letter to him, the words in blue are his.

Dear Eric;
I will try to respond to your letter. First of all, thank you for writing. I do sense a lot of seeking in your words and I hope this may help in that search

> So, what do you think? Regarding the questions and opinions in the letter? Do you think that I am a rude rebellious teenager, looking to get back at a society who has "wronged me"?

No, I do not think that. I sense some anger and disappointment in your letter. Many of your questions are questions the teens at St. Thomas More ask regularly. In fact, we offer sessions that address the issues and we find truth in our search. You are welcome to join us and search with us to find this God Who is Truth.

> Oi vey, I hope not, I am honestly seeking something more. And im not going to look in just one place to find it. Especialy when it is something as intangable as god!

God is more tangible than it may seem. He is not tangible like a tree, but even more so. Love is not tangible if you mean tactile, but tangible if you mean reality. I KNOW God is real, more real than the world I can touch and see. That sounds like a contradiction, but it is not.

> Ugh, I don't know. I like the idea of God manifesting himself to the world in millions of ways. I like the idea of him, not as a seperate being, like most Christians persive him to be, but as one with the universe, him (her?) Being the universe, the multiverse! I deffinantly don't disbelieve in there being a higher power, a sorce of infinate wisdom, and infinate love in existance. But I long for closeness. How can we be close to god if he isn't here? If he loves up there somewhere?

IF God were one with the universe than you and I as part of the universe are God. We can be intimate with God because he is other than us, than me. I can't be intimate with myself. I MUST let go of some of me and allow another into my inner being. God isn't "up there." He is right here with us, loving us, calling us to trust and life. Thompson's poem, "The Hound of Heaven" is a great example of what I mean. He writes of God like a hound pursuing his prey. God is "after" you and me. He wants to love us and have us love Him in return. We can run and hide, but God never gives up, He will pursue you and me until we finally turn around and let God love us.

> > > > I think its odd how the Bible has god hyper personified. I can't see GOD being, jealous. Whats to be jealous of? Why would he be mad if we as stupid as we are, worship a rock, if we really dont know any better? For goodness sakes, HE knows how ignorant we are, HE made us!

The Bible was written several thousand years ago. When we read it, we must remember that while God inspired sacred writings, He did so in a particular time of history to a particular people, etc. We must extract what is religious truth from historical truth, etc. You are correct in saying that God does not get "jealous" like humans. On the other hand, God demands that we give ourselves over to Him and Him alone. He knows that for our own good, we cannot serve two masters. This is analogous language.

> > > > How is it that god can suffer silly human emotions? Like he has the hippocampus in his brain, sending out neo-peptides to the appropriate regieons of the BODY in proper conjunction to the situation. Fight or flight?

> See above.

Keep in touch.

Pax et bonum,
Msgr. Bill

Well, what do you good people think?
Thanks for reading, and POSTING!!!!!!!!!!

~Zook~

All things bite you in the ass sometime...

2005-06-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today was quite nice. Just me Tabby and Little Brother more or less, mom and I didn't speak much. No there isn't a reason, we just didn't talk. O well, I had a nice time, relaxing and playing video games :-D
I didn't talk to Brad much today, only later. Im sure we will get together tommarow. I HAVE to call Wal-Mart and see about the job but, heres the thing:
3 years ago, I stole Cough Medicine from that Wal-Mart, no I did not have a cough....(*coughs) Anyways, later I went and apologized to a manager there...like an idiot with a conscience from HELL....or heaven? Either way, I stole some crap, then I went and told on myself. The woman that I talked to about it was very nice, she told me that anyone caught stealing from a walmart can be sent to prison, and is NEVER allowed in another walmart for the rest of their lives. Her name was Mary. I said that I would pay her back but she said that the apology was pay back enough for her.
Now I have to call the same walmart and talk to personel about getting a job, the woman that they told me to talk to is named Mary....Hi, I have an unoficial record of stealing from your store, and I figured, hey easyer access if I work here right? So, can I have a job!
Yes that was several years ago but there is a chance that she will remember, O' well, whatever happenes happens, but bleh. See where stealing gets you?

O' For those of you who haven't seen it, there is this really cool blog called post secret, here is the link. Take a look!
http://postsecret.blogspot.com
Its super cool!
Also, some of the blogs that I have been checking out lately are,
http://lifeassparkles.blogspot.com
http://american_rambling.blogspot.com
Hee hee, have fun guys and gals, thanks for reading, AND POSTING!!

~Zook~

Stood up!

2005-06-26T10:48:00.001-07:00

Its pretty infuriateing!
My sister and I had been planning on going to the Pride Parade together since she found out I was gay! And she says, "O' Eric I can't take you with, there is to much stuff going on, "K's" In jail and all kinds of things are happening...so Sam and I are just gonna lay low for awile....."
Meaning, "Eric, Im gonna go snort so much meth that I wouldn't be able to take you home anyways, and besides, I get really uncomfortable doing drugs around you, you ruin my high...."
The stupid bitch went off to do some fucking crystal-meth while I sat at home with my Mom and watched the Black Queens of Comedy.
Yes it was funny but I was still pissed.
The reason that I didn't go with Brad is because he is at a Spanish Mission in west Texas,. its supposed to be one of the most haunted places in Texas. So he and his crew were doing some research...No pride for me boys and girls, but I did see some fireworks going off in the distance, I sat on my roof and watched it for awhile....
Oi vey! X10!!!
Teh, I didn't even get to drink....
O well, better luck next year right?

Thanks for reading,

~Zook~

I am adding some stuff to this post!
Okay,
Heres the thing.
Yes my sister has done meth. How much, I don't exactly know. But am am not like, innocent or anything. I really made it sound a hell of a lot worse than it is. Besides, I have done some too. For about a week I was doing it right along with her. Yes that chick "k" Is in prison. I think Crystal and Sam have stopped. I asked him about it today when they were here, and he said no. Besides Crystal, when she was talking to me mentioned as she was telling different stories that after so and so, blah blah blah, I went and SLEPT! Which means that they couldn't possibably be doing anything, No I don't think that she was just saying that.
O' well, hopefuly its come to an end, you know, a phase?
I know I haven't done it in awhile, although I can say that If I didn't have a boyfriend who cared that there is a good chance that I would be doing it. Honestly, I really enjoyed it. I felt calm, and at peace. My time of Adderal up to the eye balls may have made me a bit more imune to it. Plus, amphetimine has a calming effect on people with ADHD. If you do meth, and want some honest information on its effects on your body, or even help to get off of it, go to http://www.tweaker.org
Its a good website.
Crystal, I don't think your an drug addict, I was going to change this post before you got to read it so It didn't mention that, but Im not. That would be really dihonest, and I refuse to change my feelings, past or present, to please those who read this. That may sound bad, if it does I didn't want it to come out that way. If at the time I wanna call someone names, and later I feel bad, all I can do is apologise, I will not change anything.

I hope this is an adaquite apology,
I love you lots girl,
~Little brother~

Date of original post: 6-26-2005
Date of edit: 7-7-2005

Personality test results.

2005-06-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

Here are the results from a test I took.

Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion

73%
Stability

46%
Orderliness

53%
Altruism

63%
Interdependence

56%
Intellectual

90%
Mystical

83%
Artistic

76%
Religious

90%
Hedonism

83%
Materialism

36%
Narcissism

63%
Adventurousness

43%
Work ethic

43%
Self absorbed

50%
Conflict seeking

50%
Need to dominate

50%
Romantic

70%
Avoidant

30%
Anti-authority

43%
Wealth

23%
Dependency

23%
Change averse

50%
Cautiousness

63%
Individuality

43%
Sexuality

90%
Peter pan complex

56%
Physical security

50%
Physical fitness

57%
Histrionic

16%
Paranoia

50%
Vanity

23%
Hypersensitivity

56%
Female cliche

36%
Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity. trait snapshot:
expressive, open, self revealing, loves large parties, loud, social, outgoing, does not like social isolation, assertive, social chameleon, positive, always busy, likes to fit in, likes to stand out, enjoys leadership, brutally honest, trusting, optimistic, desires attention, dominant, aggressive, attachment prone, wants to be understood, realistic

You can find the test here:

http://similarminds.com/cgi-bin/city.pl

Have fun!

Yay, I know how to post pictures now!

2005-06-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

Okay guys and gals, this is my guy Brad! :-D It was actually taken a few years ago when he graduated, obviously...But, isn't he dreamy :-P
I think he is great anyways, we have so much fun together!

PRIDE PARADE!!

2005-06-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Yay, its finaly here! The Pride Parade is gonna be going down Richmond today, and there will be 200,000 screaming queens to celebrate PRIDE MONTH!!!!!!!!
Wahoo! So, tell your own Pride month experiences, what are you gonna do this year? What have you allready done?
I can't really answer my own questions there, because this will be the first time that I have attended the Pride Parade! But I'm sure that I'm gonna have a blast!
O' and Boys & Gals, I finally have a new counter! So I will know how many of you people look and dont post. Yes, hee hee hee, I will get your IP number, track you down, and yell at you if you don't post!
Hee hee hee hee!
By guys, thanks for reading!

~Zook~

Shit, my Mother is a bitch

2005-06-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Jesus, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with her.
She starts yelling at me because she is out of ciggaretts, FUCK HER!
She smokes more than anyone else in the damned house does. Jesus!
I go in there to say something to her and her reply is, "Get the hell away from me, can't you see im pissed off at you!? Get the hell out of my face."
I could have spat in that pathetic face...She is like an angry little girl, throwing a tantrum because she can't get her own fucking way.
I can't stand that stupid bitch. She needs to get a god damned job and helpo out.
I know that I just lost my job, but I still have my last checks comeing in!
And at least I have been contributing! She spends our money on useless things and she KNOWS that my step-dad will get pissed, all she says is, do I look like I care?
No, obviously not you stupid, rude, childish, ignorant, bitch, spawned from somewhere on the 6th level of hell, sent here to ruin the lives of those around you and fuck up the children that you spit forth into this world.
Every one of her fucking kids is messed up somehow. Whats the common denominator? HER! Not the fathers, they are usually good people. She is so pathetic...
And look at me, she has so much power over me that I devote an entire post just to her...

Oi vey...anyone else going to the Pride Parade in Houston this Saterday?
It will be alot of fun. I wont be able to go with my boyfriend, he will be staying the weekend at a spanish mission somewhere in the fucking desert, on a crazy ghost hunt. Lol, its supposed to be one of the most huanted places in Texas, hope he has fun. LOL, If i DO go to Pride, then it will be with my sister Crystal...Haven't talked to her in some time, O' well...
I'll write more later. Bye all,
thanks for reading, AND POSTING!!!!

~Zook~

Hee hee, fun in the woods, a night on the town!

2005-06-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

Yay, last night me and Brad, My boyfriend for those who are just stumbling upon my little blogger, went out. We first went down to the Cafe Agora off of Westhiemer, then we went to the Hollywood super center, (A little shop in the gayborhood) And then we went to Hollywood, (the coffee shop) After we got bored and headed back out to the Burbs, we went into the woods and fooled around ;-) It was fun, at first, but being Offless, we were quickly welcomed by every misquito in the area and their fucking brother, so we left and I went back home.
Lol, we had fun anyways. Tonight we are going to a party for his (ex?) Best friend, he doesn't really 'want' to go, but I'm not gonna let him be spiteful. He needs a good country boy like me to teach him some southern curtesy!
Today, I talked to my little sisters boyfriend and set him straight (no pun intended) On lieing!
He tells my sister that he is a Secret Agent for the Air Force and that he is often sent out on assassination missions...The little moron isn't even old enough to work at a god forsaken chick-fil-a! Ugh! Idiot...She wasn't sure if she should break up with him or not. I told her that he is to stupid to break up with for stupidity, he wouldn't understnad you see. So I corrected him on how to treat my sister and she is giveing him another chance. But woe to him, hell hath no fury, nor heaven no power, like that of a women scorned. She told him that If he lied to her again then the breakup would come swift and without mercy! You go girl!
I just finished reading a book by Christipher Rice (Anne Rice's son) Yesterday, he is also gay, and writes alot about what us little queers have to go through in high school. Teh, fun fun fun! It was good, LOL at one point in the book a coked up drag-queen was quoted talking to another queen, and saying "Hurry up bitch, my pussy hurts!" Lol, I know, it has nothing to do with anything, but me and Tabby have been saying it to eachother all day, lol. No, I am not a queen like that. I consider myself as masculine as an openly practiceing homosexul can be. Hee hee, just slap a flanel shirt on my and call me a lumberjack lesbian!
Tee hee, O' well, what else is going on? Madonna is playing on the speaker, (as usual here at the computer desk) My cat is siting on the bed next to me licking himself, (damn his flexability :-P J/K ) Mom is watching HGTV, grandma is crocheting, Rodenyt is asleep, and my little sister BETTER be reading....It took so much puching to get her to finish the Dark Tower series, but when she finished, she cried, When asked if I had EVER steered her wrong when pushing an alegedly good book on her, she sayed no. She was sincere!

For a list of my recomended readings go to Zoe Cannon's blog, "American_rambling.blogspot.com"

NOT Rambling_american :-P (*wink@Zoe*)
Oi vey, I applied to Job Corps, they have not called back, I will keep yall updated.

I was thinking about doing a specil post about my late grandmother. Hmm, I think I will do that in a little bit, so, See yall later!

Thanks for reading AND POSTING!!!

~Zook~

This isn't working out Mavis...I'm going home

2005-06-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

Teh,
I quit my job today. Thats basicaly what I said to. No more whataburger here kids, say sorry.
I couldn't handle the stupid bitch who calls herself the manager, don't worry though, Im still going to the concert in Fort Worth! Lol, like thats the greatest of my concerns...

O' Yesterday, when I still had a job, some dude comes in and gives all of the cashiers this, are you gonna go to hell when you die card...So, I wrote his church a letter. Here it is......

Hello,

My name is Eric; I’m a 17 year old from Cypress.

Today, while I was at work (A fast food restaurant) someone came in and gave the cashiers and I a little piece of paper entitled, "The Big Question". Of course, living in the Bible belt as our area is so lovingly referred to; I have seen this type of thing before. But, I was still surprised. The notion of Christ for a #3 with the upsized drink and fries made me laugh at first. (After the gentlemen was out of hearing range)

But, when I thought about it some more I was actually somewhat angry regarding the situation. I damn near killed myself on more than one occasion because I thought that god hated me anyways, and now a person comes into the place where I work and gives the old, "If you die right now is it gonna be flames or clouds" routine...

I am a homosexual. Boy O' boy, was this the cause of YEARS of depression, I prayed and prayed and prayed, "God take this away from me...."
Oddly enough that didn't seem to work...I can't help who I find to be attractive, but at least today I can accept it and live with the serenity of being okay with me.

O dear, by now your probably saying, "Well kid, if you’re so okay with yourself, then why on earth are you writing this e-mail..."

Ha-ha, and now that I think about it I have no idea, But there where a few things that I wanted to ask the gentlemen, I didn't get a chance because we were swampt and I never got a chance before he left.

One: what denomination is your church? If you were Mormons, (they were the first ones that I had though of, with all the years [well 2 anyways] of witnessing) But they would proudly claim there ties to Joseph of Utah, heh heh, so I didn't think you were of that branch.

Another thing, how much do the people in your church, or the members of the clergy any ways, know about other faith systems? Have you ever looking into the beliefs of a Hindu or a Buddhist? Or do you quickly "know" that these are the "wrong" ways up that elusive mountain of faith and try to convert them, much like the Spanish Inquisition?

O' and what do you say to different branches of the big tree of Christianity? Most Protestants are comfortable with each other, but away with thee, Catholics! Do you believe that the group of Christians from which all other groups stemmed out of are evil? Mary worship? Idolatry? Just curious. I like the idea of intercession, the prayer cards they have at Catholic Book Stores and whatnot. The time one can devote to praying the Rosary, to me, it seems so much more intimate. It takes more patience to sit and pray a prayer that lasts a good 30-45 minuets. While meditating on the different, "Mysteries" of the rosary. The life of Christ, the virgin birth, the resurrection. Its all quite calming.
No, I am not a Catholic, but I have dabbled in so many different faiths that I have a respect for them all.

What are your beliefs about homosexuality? Do you think that, "If a man lies with another man, as one would with a woman...." Then they are damned to an eternity in hell?
Question: If it was a choice, and not a quality of a person, like having blonde hair, or green eyes, why would anyone choose the hard way? Why wake up and say, "Ya know, I think that I feel like getting beat up and made fun of in school...I feel like having people look at me like I am a disease plaguing the face of the earth with HIV and AIDS. Many people say that its Gods punishment to the homosexuals.
Oddly enough, most men don't see a damn thing wrong with two women together...I know plenty of gay men who attend church; there are a few out in the Montrose that are composed of mainly homosexual men and women. O! And then who was it...? The Episcopalians, were they the ones that recently let an openly gay man join the clergy, but they got a head start, women are able to be priests in THEIR churches....

My grandmother, as wonderful as a Christian she was, more or less despised the church, she said that they were all sexists, and boy, would she get worked up when you talked to her about Paul. LOL, "He was a sexist! Women can't stand up and speak in church, what kind of baloney is that!?!?"

The fact that Christianity stems from the Jewish Patriarchical system makes some of the feminists angry, but that didn't stop the 1920's from happening.

Recently, I started dabbling in Mysticism, and even reading about witchcraft. Some of the ideas and theories these people present are appealing to me, others I can't, and I mean CAN NOT accept. Because of growing up in a Christian household, you would have thought that I was 80 years old, the conditioning in my childhood was so strong...The idea of Polytheism to a Monotheist! It doesn't work...I am angry about this. How I would love to have been given the choice to choose after experimentation and research my own belief system, but wow, being so biased its not easy.

My little sister recently told me that she didn't like Christianity; she hates living in fear of hell. I understand what she is going through, how can someone do that to a child? Listen here little jonnie, If you don't do just what mommy and daddy (50 per cent chance that they are still even married today....) do, you will go to HELL! Where their worms will never die! Where you will burn for all eternity and where there will be weeping and the gnashing of teeth!
My little sister and I were two of the kids that payed attention in Sunday School. We were listening to the stories, some of them are good, wonderful and happy, others not so much. But to have to live life striving for perfection? Why? Why can't we screw up with out fear of hell?
Sir, I am an extremist, I can believe, its okay to mess up, everyone does, we were BORN into sin, even if you live your life PERFECTLY "the sins of the father are passed down to his sons"
Or, I can handle, you must live perfectly! Sleep with a man, HELL. Look to long into a crystal ball, HELL! Yet people say that there is no hierarchy of sin as far as God is concerned...A sin is a sin right? Then why the difference in post life consequences?

My belief, because the bible is biased as it was not written with Gods OWN hands. It was written through a mediator...and the most untrustworthy one at that, Man! I have heard stories about people changing the bible to suit their own needs. Heck, King Henry the Eighth, the one who came up with the idea of a pope free environment, was no saint. I could totally see someone with a history like him changing a few things here and there.

But those are all my opinions, as wise and knowledgeable as I am, with my 17 years life experience. Please, I do not mean to disrespect you, your church, your beliefs, or the God of your understanding. I am merely expressing myself in the most productive way I know how, with words. I would love to hear back from anyone at all.

And, if you feel the need to, pray for me! Prayers sent out in good will and love never hurt anyone, no matter how the prayer was sent out, or who it was sent to. :-)

Thank you for your time,

~Eric McCoy

So, thats that. Tell me what you think if it does ya...

Thanks for reading,

~Zook~

Donnie Darko, Brad's house.

2005-06-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

I stayed last night with Brad.

We went to the Cafe Agora, down off of Westheimer, that was fun.
Lol, On the walk from the car to the Cafe, we saw some guy sitting in his yard trimming every inch with a pair of scissors...can anyone say, "Meth-head?"

After that we went down to Hollywood, (A coffee shop off of Montrose, super gay area for all you people who don't know Houston.) Brad saw his Ex-Boyfriend there, neither of them said a word to eachother. God, I'm soooo glad that there wasn't any drama down there. Hollywood, and the rest of the gay scene has more drama than a 14 year old on her period! Its bloody crazy! (HEE HEE No pun intended)

After we had all the hollywood that we could handle, we went to a pizza place and grabed some food. Then we went back to his house, watched movies and hung out. It was alot of fun.

O! LOL, O my god, Okay, we have to backtrack a bit, sorry. When we first went to his house, we were in his room haveing sex, his sister comes in the house, I jump up, run to the door (Of his bedroom) shut it and lock it, then I died of fear, all before she had the front door closed behind her!

Ugh! She wasn't supposed to be home for a long damn time, three days in fact! It was so damned scary, I got dressed and went out for a smoke, he came with me, when we were out there she comes out of the house and just glares at the both of us. I said hello, and she gave me this eww go to hell look.

Obviously his sisters are not supportive of the fact that he is gay at all!
Oi vey, its so stupid. She just got back from Hawii, after marrying an old black man (I am not raceist, but there family is a little bias about such things....) Thats twice her age and has kids as old as she is. She is like 30 years old, he is like, 58! Isn't that GROSS! O well...

Lol, okay, working in whataburger today, some dude comes in, hands us these cards that are like, "If you died right now...Would YOU be thrown into the eternal fires of HELL!!!!"

I wanted to slap the guy...instead, I took his order and sent him on his way. I should have hit on him or something! HAHAHAHHHAHA! Lol, just kidding, I used to be a religious nut too, maybe he is in the closet. LOL. Bleh, whatever.

I'll write back more as it comes up. Later,
and thanks for reading,

~Zook~

How come nobody comments?!?!??

2005-06-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Just curious cully. Nobody posts! Oi vey, Corey? Judy? ANYONE!!!!

Maybe I'll get one on xanga...hmm.

O! Brad and I stayed out last night, we went to Starbucks and then to Barnes and Noble. It was alot of fun, we looked in a gay astrology book (lol) It said that he was a whore and that I was a perfectionist asshole! Lol, he was so pissed, doing everything in his power to make sure I didn't think that he was a whore, out fucking all the boys in the Gayborhood (Montrose) lol, Man he is a great guy. I'm off today, I think Im gonna see if he want to come over and watch American Beuty with my Mom, sis, and I. Heh heh, RESPOND OR SOMETHING! Hee hee,

Thanks for reading...

~Zook~

O MY GOD I FORGOT

2005-06-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

Hey!

I was just reading about Mr. Lucky and the magic rainbow, Have you all read that? No one commented... I forgot, Yesterday I saw someone come into my Whataburger, someone from the group that got to get the Magic rainbow! I remembered him from Feburary of last year, I said, hey, isn't your name Shane? Or sean perhaps...He said "yeah, its shane."

"I remember you, West Oaks, Feburary of '04, Mr. Lucky and the Magic rainbow."

He just laughed and said O' yeah, I still talk to him. I told him that I do to. That was all....Nothing amazeing but It was neat for me....

~Zook

Yay! Im off tommarow!

2005-06-15T14:26:00.000-07:00

Wa hoo! No work tommarow!
Im probably gonna stay tonight with Brad :-)

Okay, I need some help here, Brad and I have mutually agreed that we are NOT seeing anyone else, no dates, no sex, no nothing, we are exclusively reserved for eachother. So, what does that make us? I think that he is afraid to say this is my Boyfried Eric, I was hanging out with him, a friend from work and her boyfriend yesterday after work. She looks at us after I had said "Blah blah blah, this is Brad, Brad this is Blah blah blah and her guy blah blah..." She's like, umm is this your boyfriend? There was a long pause and finaly he says, its, undefined at this point...

Oi vey, I don't know, we both make eachother very happy :-) He is a great guy, He lives really close. We are both into like, all of the same things. I think he is wonderful, I just don't know whats going on with him and the title business...

O well...

I'll write more later on, perhaps...

~Zook : )

Take your mama out all night!

2005-06-12T19:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry, LOL, Im just listening to that song by Scissor Sisters (lesbian referance) Its a gay band LOL. Im gonna copy and paste the Lyrics here, the song is so damned funny. Its about a guy who comes out to him mom by takeing her out to a bunch of gay bars and shit like that. HEE HEE HEE. What fun! Here it is:

When you grow up
Livin' like a good boy oughta
And your mama
Takes a shine to her best son
Something different
All the girls they seem to like you
Cause you're handsome
Like to talk and a whole lot of fun

But now your girl's gone a missin'
And your house has got an empty bed
The folks'll wonder 'bout the wedding
They won't listen to a word you said

[Chorus]
Gonna take your mama out all night
Yeah we'll show her what it's all about
We'll get her jacked up on some cheap champagne
We'll let the good times all roll out
And if the music ain't good, well it's just too bad
We're gonna sing along no matter what
Because the dancers don't mind at the New Orleans
If you tip 'em and they make a cut

Do it
Take your mama out all night
So she'll have no doubt that we're doing oh the best we can
We're gonna do it
Take your mama out all night
You can stay up late'cause baby you're a full grown man

It's a struggle Livin' like a good boy oughta
In the summer
Watchin' all the girls pass by
When your mama
Heard the way that you'd been talking
I tried to tell you
That all she'd wanna do is cry

Now we end up takin' the long way home
Lookin' overdressed wearin' buckets of stale cologne
It's so hard to see streets on a country road
When your glasses in the garbage
And your Continental's just got towed

[Repeat Chorus x 2]

LOL I love the part about getting her jacked up on cheap champaigne, LOL. I can imagine my mom haveing an awesome time at a gay club or something like that. Hee hee hee.

If anyone wants to get the song, Its call "Take Your Mama Out" By, Scissor Sisters. Look it up on napster or whatever. Hee hee.

Oi vey, Im gonna put some pictures up on here after I figure out how, yay what fun, everybody can see my guy!

Whataday

2005-06-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

Not alot happened today, I just worked. Yipee!
Last night was fun, I went to My boyfriends house, he made me lazagna and a salad. We started to watch a scary-ish movie, but ended up loseing focus on it and doing other things instead. LOL Needless to say, we had a great time together.
I finished reading Wicked, by Greggory Miguire, O, If you haven't read the book and dont want to know ANYTHING about it, stop here. She (the wicked witch of the west) was really a nice lady. She was just very misunderstood. She wanted forgiveness because she felt responsible for the death of her lover. :-( It was sad. The wife of her lover, was stuborn and never forgave her. Eventualy she (the wife, Sarima) was kidnaped by the Wizard (major ass hole) and murdered. Dorothy, (yse our very own sweet little kansas girl) traveled all the way across Oz to meet the witch so that she could ask HER forgivness, for droping a house on her sister (who really was the WICKED witch of the east [the western witch got her name BECAUSE of her sister] ) In the end, the witch started going a little nuts, probably fed up with the irony in everything, she caught fire, Dorthy, trying to save her, wuickly threw water on her, she died....
I wanted to cry :*-( She was just such a wonderful person. O' well....

How is everyone else? What? I have to go read your blogger if I want to know? Bleh, okie dokie!

Love ya,
~Zook01

O my god, Its been a LONG time.

2005-06-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

Well well well, I have ALOT to report.
I wonder, Corey, how much of this do you know? I haven't talked to you in awhile, I might be able to call you tonight...
So, last I typed it seems was in Septmber of '04, meaning, I had just turned 17, I will be 18 in three monthes, yipee...
I am or have been rather, going through alot. I attempted suidide in December, I believe December 15th to be exact. I ended up going to Merridale Achievment Center, in Austin TX. For a few monthes. That was a tough tough time. I have been doing better now, I haven't taken any medications in a few weeks, no, the docter did not say that was okay, but, hey, I certainly don't have the money to cover, if HE wants me on them so badly then HE can pay for them himself.
Don't get me wrong, I respect the man, he is a wonderful individual, but I don't need to be on the meds. My success without them is testimony to that.
What else is new? I have a job, LOL I work at a whataburger...hee hee Its a job right? I make more than minimum wage, so thats a plus.
O! I have a new boyfriend...sorry Corey, the gay thing still hasn't turned out to be "just a phase" yet...At least him and I are happy together? LOL. No, he is a great guy, I like him alot. We have had alot of fun together :-)
In Feburary I came back from Austin, then after a few weeks/monthes(?) of working for my grandfather in the pool industry I left my ex-step-moms house. She was REALLY overbering, a bit of a psyco if you ask me. We got into a HUGE argument about the fact that I smoke, god forbid right? Oi vey, So I left, now I am back with my mother.
Actually, I was planning on just liveing on the street until I lost hope and any once of everything I had left, that way I could really appreciate a house without psyco overbering step parents(ex actually). But a police oficer picked me up after a few hours of walking and broght me to my Mothers, I now know that he had no right to do this, as a 17 year old I am leagaly an adult, and If I want to walk down 290 at night, then god bless, says the law. He was a dick.
After getting back to my mothers I left soon after, to stay with my sister and some friends of hers. The Meth ran swiftly there....I did it for a few days, that was monthes ago, I haven't done it since. But I did go get a job. Wahoo! Go me, lol, It was NOT a very pleasent experience. O' well... People have to try things out for themselves, right?
I am exited about July 1st :-D Corey and I are going to a concert in Fort Worth, Its a huge Final Fantasy thing...hee hee I can't wait. Full symphony Orchastra! Yay, hmm. I don't think that there is anything else to write about at the moment. If anyone is curious about anything, ask and you shall recieve hee hee.
Thanks for Reading,
~Zook01

Hey, I'm alive...

2004-09-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say that I am still alive. I haven't writen in awhile because our computer is broken... I am at a library now so I was able to drop a line. But I have to go because my grandma is outside waiting for me...Im still alive...

The Storyteller

2004-09-08T18:17:00.000-07:00

The name "Storyteller" comes from an experience I had when I was in West Oaks hospital. I had attempted suicide and was placed in the hospital for my protection. Now, there was a certain therapist there, Mr. Lucky, who took us to our 12:30 group everyday. I allways enjoyed his groups. He is an amazing person and has a way of getting to the source of things and fixing it...if your willing to let him help you.
So, this one session, it was myself and maybe 10-15 other kids. Most of us were in there because of attempted suicide or drug problems. There were several people who were not doing well at all. There was an energy in the air, girls were crying and the guys just sat there looking deppresed. Mr. Lucky helped, he had us talk to one another and try to help eachother. This is smart because we get help by helping people and the helpee gets help too. This one girl who allways talked about there being no God and we all should have died because no one loves us broke down and started saying that there had to be a God who loved us, there has to be a reason that we lived, we have a reason to be here on this planet. It was a major deal and everyone else broke down and said similar things. Mr. Luck quickly quieted us all down and told everyone to get out of their chairs and sit on the floor in a big circle.
He sat down and said, "I am going to tell you all a story. Its about children just like you so listen close.
"Once upon a time, in the land of recovery. Everything was beutiful, everyone was happy, the land was green and the sky was blue and clear. But, one day a darkness came over the land. And all the joy and peace left. Everyone was deppresed and sad, completely miserable.
"So the children of the land gathered together in a place where they could be safe, where they could learn to fight against the darkness. They all fought very hard, but the darkness would not leave.
"Then one day they heard of a man who was in the land. He called himself the storyteller. It was said that he had the power to make you happy forever. So the people called him to the safehaven and said, 'Please, will you give us this gift if we give you gold and silver, and beutiful gems?'
The storyteller said, 'No, that is not how you get this gift.'
They said, 'Please, please, tell us how we can have this gift.'
And the storeyteller said, 'All you have to do is tell me the colors of your magic rainbow, and I will add the gift of happiness and I will place it next to your heart.' "
Now, the room was dead silent, everyone was completly enchanted by Mr. Lucky.
Then he said, "So will you tell me the colors of your magic rainbows?"
Everyone was nodding, had someone else seen this and not felt the energy that was in the room they would have thought we were idiots. So, one at a time he went around and asked for the colors of our magic rainbows, he mixed the colors together and placed them next to our hearts. Literlay he held the colors in his hand and touched our hearts.
When he came to me he said, "Then the storeyteller went up to one of the wise men in the land, he was allso a fellow storeyteller and a healer of the people, and he asked, 'What are the colors of your magic rainbow?' "
None of you have any idea how good I felt. I have allways strived to help people in any way possibal and Mr. Lucky saw that, he called me a fellow storeyteller. He went to each person and said similar things suiting each ones personality, I don't mean to brag but he didn't call anyone else a storeyteller.
When he came to Cortney, who was deaf, we didn't thing he waould say anything to her. But, he did, when he asked what her colors were she just said that she didn't know what he was talking about, so he gave her the power to choose her colors and place them next to her heart whenever she wanted.
When group ended everyone was smiling and huging one another. We all liked to say that he came up with the story on the spot and we were special because he told it to us. We promised eachother that we would never forget what happend and I haven't.
Mr. Lucky is my therapist currently. I haven't seen him in awhile because we don't have the money to pay him. But, I call him all the time and we talk for at least a half hour each time. He basicly gives me free sessions. He even lowered his cost an enormous amont so that we would have the money to pay him in the first place. I love Mr. Lucky so much, he has made a major inpact on my life. And that is why I say I am a gnomeish Storyteller. I will tell you all about the gnome part of it later. Its not as meaningful or as neat, but I'll let you know anyways. For now though I need to go and do the dishes.
I hope all of you have enjoyed my story of the storyteller, and I hope that each of you will place your own magic rainbows next to your heart. So you can be happy in the midst of sorrow.
~Zook

Relaxin'

2004-09-08T13:57:00.000-07:00

Aaah, Things are going well. I'm just sitin' back and relaxing. I got hom from school about an hour ago. I don't think I have much homework so things seem to be going well this evening. I can't stay on the computer for to long though, my step-dad will be upset if he tries to call and he can't get through.
I just remembered what I thought about posting this morning. I'll get back on later tonight to post again. See yall later. ^_^
~Zook

It's Tuesday, it's tuesday, it's a, you just can't lose day!

2004-09-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

I have been really hyper and excedingly joyous all day long. I think I really annoyed the kid who sits next to me in A.A.S. (advanced academic stratagies). But jee golly, I think I'm high on life. No, there isn't really anything special going on (except 20mgs of Prozac evary morning, amongst other things...) I just feel really good.
I saw James at school today before third period. At first he didn't recognize me. Then to cover up he was like, "Did you get a haircut?" Heh, James if your reading this I'm just kidding. I just like to pretend that everyone hates me...or at least Docter Marie does. LOL, thats pretty pecimistic for a happy person.
I did some more work in the yard today when I got home from school. Had to move sod around and dig up weeds.I guess the extra work I had to do was to make up for the lack of homework (my geometry teacher Mrs. Eggers forgot to give us the worksheet ^_^ ). A kid in second period gave me a dip in class. Eww, non-flavored Red Seal (I normally dip mint or wintergreen). I went into the bathroom and was about to spit it into the sink when a teacher walked out of the stall. I quickly left. Since I already had the dip out of my lip and in my mouth, and had no way to get it out, I just ran to the vending machine, got a Pepsi, and swallowed it like a big nastey tabaco leaf pill. Urk...
Hmm, I think there is something else I wanted to write about but I can't remember what it was...O' well I guess I'm off for now. I will come back and post later if I have nothing else to do or if I remember. Have a blessed day,
Your favorite Gnomeish storeyteller (I'll have to tell you where the storyteller thing came from some time).
~Zook

Bored

2004-09-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

Hmm, I'm bored. As the title implies. I worked outside alot today. We dug up a huge portion of our frontyard so that the flower bed will be bigger. Psychologicaly speaking, what does it say about a person when they will spend hours in the blistering heat fixing up their lawn and leaves their house filthy and cluttered and just, eww. My parents are strange. I try to keep things orderly but it doesn't do any good for one person to want everything clean and five people to just not give a shit.
I need to call my sponcer. In case some of you aren't in Alchoholics Anonymous, everyone gets a sponcer when they come into the program to guide them through the twelve steps. Wilbert is my sponcer. He's a great guy. We get along really well and we have alot in common. Is a bit older than me (twenties, thirties?) and hes a fun outgoing black guy. Im really young and I'm a quiet anti-social white kid. Hee hee, but were both in the program, we both love men, and we both have recovered from a hopeless condition of body and mind. :)
Wilbert is actually my third sponcer.
The first one, Carry, well, I didn't really choose him as my sponcer my mother did. This is a no-no, but being new in the program I didn't know this. Carry thought I had picked him but really didn't want to sponcer me. Heh heh, so when I told him that I wanted to get a new sponcer we were both relived.
My second sponcer was kind of distant. He had me call him everyday and leave a message on his answering machine but I didn't get to talk to him very often. We triewd to get together to do some stepwork a few times but something usualy came up. It just wasn't working out.
This has been a nice quiet three day weekend, I didn't do much but I don't mind. Back to school tommarow. Bleh, I don't want to go. I really love school but I would like one more day of peace.
I have been looking at other people's pages and they are all spiffy and stuff. Mine is plain and dull. I need to figure out how to shnaz mine up a bit. I will talk to Zo about that.
I have been trying to learn how to draw anime style. Normaly I strive for an impresionistic look in my work. But I envy the simplicity and fun of anime. My mind is so logical, it's hard to draw things that don't look real. But I'm sure I'll get the hang of it sooner or later.
I think that I'm gonna go work on that now, maybe I can put out something tolerable...
Thanks for listening, I hope your haveing more fun than I am :)
~Zook

For those who care; How I meditate

2004-09-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

This is just a simple meditation that I like to do. Well, I don't know if its actually simple, but it's a lot of fun. I learned how to do this from a book I read called, "Awakening the Mind" by: Anna Wise. It was an amazing book. And for the skeptics her work is backed up scientifically, that's why I liked it.
The meditations in the book are done in order to bring your level of awareness into different states of consciousness. When your awareness changes like this your brain produces higher amount of certain brain waves. Beta waves are normal everyday consciousness. Theta is sub-conscious, Delta is the deepest, that goes into unconscious, and Alpha is the bridge between Beta and Theta.
You start out by relaxing your body and quieting your mind. Sit or lie down, your choice. After doing this for awhile (sorry for the vagueness) you start to imagine things. Imagery helps you produce alpha waves. You use all of your senses to imagine some place. For me its a forest with a huge lake in it. I walk around for a long time, hearing, seeing, smelling, and touching everything. After I've done this for awhile, I walk down a path to a huge house. I go through the house (still using all senses) and eventually I find a long hallway. It goes on forever and there are doors on either side. By now I am in my subconscious state of mind and I'm ready to go explore my head.
I met my people (the committee, [see previous post]) by opening one of these doors. The door led me into my fantasy city with the castle in the middle. So that's just one room in the huge house with the doors and I haven't even explored all of it.
I have had all kinds of experiences in these rooms. Once I went down a spiral staircase that was like, miles long and I descended upon a large bog. It was all foggy, I met an old lady there who was thousands of years old. I don't remember her name, or what we talked about. But the presence she had about her was pure wisdom.
So, if anyone goes and tries this out, please comment and tell me what you found out. I'd love to hear from you.
Thank you for taking a break from your travels and hearing another tale from my wanderings. May your road be peaceful always.
~Zook

The people in my head

2004-09-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend of mine, and she told about the person that lives in her head. I know this sounds crazy, its not. It's actually a simple way of saying, I have personified the different parts of my brain. Now, some people, might really have a certain professor living in there head ;) But I personally have personified parts.
So, I did a meditation (concentrating with a relaxed body) to go a little bit deeper than everyday consciousness and explore the different parts of me. Being inspired by the professor in my friends head, I wanted to explore my technical, logical, math loving side. The peron who controls this department is Doctor Ann Marie. She is an older woman. Her hair is brownish grey and she always wears it in a tight bun with a yellow #2 pencil impaling it. She has thick rimmed glasses with hangy things attached to the sides so when she takes them off they hang from her neck. She wears a lab coat and carries a clipboard at all times. She isn't very humorous and it usually looks like she is scowling at the bad dog who went potty in thew house. O' and I think she is jewish she has the roman nose thing goin on. She doesn't have a dog but she does have a pet. It's one of those cats with the smashed faces. Hee hee those are the weirdest looking things. So thats the dark side of logic and order.
But, there is allso a more blissful side of it. her name is Mama Geradine (J-air-huh-deen). Shes a large black woman who looks alot like Aunt Jemima. She even wears the bandana thing. She likes to keep things in order but shes more free about it. She is a social person and likes to laugh alot. She doesn't like rudeness and unruleyness though. I like her.
Next, the part of me that heats up and gets angrey. Not angrey like violent but mildley annoyed at first, basicly disaproving passively, at first. Its a short guy with a beard. He wears a large apron and works at a forge. He has a pet too, its a red dragon that heats up the forge with it's flame. I still haven't figured out his name yet.
The darker side of the angrey part of me is really really mean. He allways appears to be someone else, and hes the one that cusses everyone out in my head. He is really good at doing things to piss off the guy at the forge, so the flames get hotter and hotter. If it were'nt for this guy I could let things go more easiley. I think he litteraly wants me dead. I consider him to be my deisease of alchoholism. And that disease really does want you to die. Since he doesn't really have any one form, he doesn't have a name either. He could probably take up lots of names but that would be confuseing. So I am going to call him what the demon who possesed the herd of pigs in the bible called himself, Legion "for we are many" is what the demon said. This guy really creeps me out.
Then there is the happy musical fun loveing side. This is the one who flows with music and lives in total ignorant bliss when things are going well, she is a little fairy named Stephanie. Heh heh, everyones going, how ironic the fairy has a fairy in his head...
The more mature side of musicly inclined me is more obscure. He is usually in shadow so I can't see him well. He is the one who causes me to get really deppresed when certaine songs come on, even though they don't make me think of anything sad. He also calls up memories when other songs come that induce emotions apropriate to their nature. I'll have to go deeper later and find out more about him.
While I was exploreing my head I imagined the place as a large city, in the middle of the city is a castle (yes I'm a fan of fantasy :D ) There are lots of people in the castel, most of them, if not all of them are more important than the superficial parts of my mind. I haven't explored there either.
If anyone is interested in this at all, or if you want to try it for yourself I will explain in a later post. Meditateing to explore yourself can be freeing, frightening, deppresing, and sometimes it just puts you to sleep. But, it is allways healthy even if it doesn't seem right because it feels uncomfortable. I think I have blabered on all I should and I haven't even explained everyone in their yet. I'm not exactly sure if I will, I think I'll wait until I get to see a comment or two before I decide.
Thank you for sitting with me and hearing one of my stories , I hope you've enjoyed your stay.
~Zook

My best friend :D

2004-09-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

My best friend, if I had to pick one, is deffinantly Zoe, we have known eachother for like, five or six years. Out of all my moves and out of all the people I have known, she is the only one I have been able to stay in touch with. :D If your reading this Zoe, I love you :) :) :) !
I remember that I met her in 7th grade, when I first moved to hickville. I thought that it was going to be a stupid school full of dumb rednecks with only a very small handful of somewhat intellegent kids...I was right. But thats OK because I met Zoe there. I don't remember the first time I ever talked to her or anything like that. In my memory there was a time that I didnt know her and we weren't friends then theres the time were we did know eachother and we were like best friends.
She told me resently that there was a period of time that I ignored her on accident? I don't remember doing this but I do know that I am really sorry. It hasn't hindered our friendship obviously, that was like forever ago, but it still makes me feel bad.
We were allways getting told by Mrs. Dill that we needed to stop talking, coach westmoorland was allways haveing to shut us up and, Were you in my class with Downey?
:D This is fun, all kinds of memories are comeing back.
We used to talk about everything. From religion to polotics to movies to british people ;P
Zoe, Judy, (sometimes Jackie) and I would play D&D all the time. There was a small war between Judy and I, we were both really territorial and wanted Zoe to ourselves. LOL, Judy if your reading this I'm sorry...but shes still mine muwahahahaha!...*blink* *blink* I mean, I'm sorry for fighting with you in that passive-agressive way...beware of falling objects*... huh?
Hee hee no one knows what I'm doing now exept for the few, the proud...ok anyways.
Im feeling weird this morning, lets get back on track.
Zoe, do you remember that evil whore teacher we had in 8th grade? She took my rubber roach away from me...she was mean. I just thought about her...back on track Zook, back on track.
People reading this probably think I'm crazy. Maybe I just need a man...woe is me...
Well, I'm gonna go, I need coffee, I want to call Zoe and I want to play my old computer games. Civilization II and Age of Empires yay. Later I'm gonna get on the PS2 and play final fantasy VII *super cool thumbs up at Zoe* then I'm gonna write some more and take a nap. O all this work, it's a hard knock life for me... :D bye all.
~Zook

Joyridein'

2004-09-04T14:58:00.000-07:00

Ugh,
My parents found out that I have been takeing the car in the mourning and rideing around. I don't have a lisence and I have never been to drivers ed so they were a little upset. But I think they were more calm then some parents would be. They made me clean their bathroom, eww, they are such slobs. That bathroom was foul. My step-dad has yelled at me before about my bathroom being dirty, he's like, "How can you live like that?!" O' my god if he ever says that to me again I'll scream. I'm not complaineing because I got punished, I'm just really grossed out with the hypocrites that I live with. I'm not sure if I'm aloud to be on the computer right now... mayhaps I should get off... yeah that would probably be a good idea, I'll write back later, I won't get on if they are going to be around. Whether I write anything bad or not isn't the problem, it's the idea of privacy, LOL here I am talking about privacy when millions of people can read this, I'm sure that millions aren't reading this I'm not that interesting but it's possibal. So I guess thats it, I'll see yall later.
~Zook

An Introduction

2004-09-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

Hello all,
This is the first post of my blogger. I hope I can actually keep up with it. I have a hard time forceing myself to write in journals and whatnot. But maybe I will be able to keep up with this since it's a bit different.
My name is Zook, to you all at least, I'm 17 (in 13 days...) I'm a guy, I live in south eastern Texas. Some of you may know my friend Zoe who has a blogger too. If you don't please visit her at, www.american_rambling.blogspot.com :D I'm advertiseing for you Zoe. By the way if your reading this, I love you too!
Lets see, a little bit about myself, (this probably wont be a little bit...) Besides where I live and whatnot, I go to highschool, I should be a jounior but I'm a freshmoor... not my fault, stuff happend. I love school (great he's a geek) I have alot of friends. I am an alcholic and a drug addict, today I haven't drank or used in...however many days are between July 4 and now. :D I go to AA (Alchoholics Anonymous) and CA (Cocaine Anonymous). No, I was never a crackhead, CA isn't just about helping people get off cocaine it's about "helping people get free from cocaine and all other mind-altering substances." I enjoy the sober life, sometimes I would like to pick up and use but I don't. I have relapsed before, technicaly I should have 5 monthes but I used again... :( I live with my mom, my step-dad, my little sister Tabitha, my younger brother Cris, and my grandma Joan. Both my mom and my step-dad are in AA. She has 11 years sober and he has 14, so it's a familiy thing (he's a really messed up geek).
I am a spiritual person, I consider myself somewhat Christian but I don't follow the Christian path exactly (who does?...O'...Hi Zoe :P [she's a good kid...x10]).
For one thing I'm gay, alot of my friends don't belive me because I dont act gay but I am. I hated myself for a long long time because of that. But today, God as I understand him loves all his children, and I beilive that he knew what he was doing when he made me so why would he contradict himself and tell me that I can't be who he made me to be? Some people think that being homosexual is a choice, I promis you it's not. No matter how hard I tried, I could never make myself atracted to women, the're more like art to me, pretty but in a so is a landscape kind of way. Make sence? No, I don't have a boyfriend... :'( and I don't even have anyone who could be a possibilityat this point. I haven't been out in school until just this year and I just met someone else who is gay on Friday. Heh, it was funny, I'v known this guy was gay since last year, everyone knows that James is gay, so after school he was standing by the vending machines talking to some girls and I go up to him with my friend Killi, who was really good support, and I tapped him on the shoulder. He turns around and looks at me and I'm like..."are you gay...?" He looks somewhat confused and asks "why?" Then I reply quickly so I don't have to feel stupid any longer than I need to, "Well I know this is weird because you don't know me and I'm sorry if it creeps you out, but I'm gay and I don't know anyone else who is gay and it would be nice to have a gay friend so do you think I could have your number?..." One of the girls laughs and says "He's got gaydar (radar for detecting gay people, all gay people have it, just in case you all out there in hickville don't know what gaydar is *winks at Zoe*) James, still looking confused is like, "your gay?" I nod and he laughs "How cute, sure I'll give you my number do you have a pen?" Then I blacked out from the extreme relief and next thing I'm on the bus headed home with Killi telling me that I was reallly cute not stupid at all... O' well, Im glad that was over quickly. So now I have a gay friend yay.
Sorry I got off track there with the story. What else? My parents are each on there 3rd spouce so my extended familiy is sickeningly huge, I have moved from state to state all my life, so often in fact that I have never stayed in one school for more than a year at a time...
I'm into art, animals, video games, books, and all kinds of other stuff, If anyone else is going through similar things or if you have been through similar things please reply, I'd love to hear from you :D
I guess thats it for now, ~Zook